Revival
by SoulCaptain92
Summary: A story about the events after 3x24, how Castle and Beckett find their way to each other through the mess; about a little cabin in the woods.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

* * *

The walk up the path is as excruciating as always. She leans on the rail more than she would like, but at least she got further down the woods this time. Slow and steady, she reminds herself. She opens the back door of the cabin, the wood floor squeaking under her boots.

"Morning Katie," her dad greets from the rounded dinner table by the window. He lifts his reading glasses, resting them on the top of his head. "Good walk?" he asks as he takes in the thin layer of sweat and her slightly deep breaths.

"Yeah, new record," she says, grinning back at him.

"Good," he accedes, because they had this conversation too many times already. The one where he tells her to slow down, as if she wasn't slow enough as it is. "Made some breakfast, if you want. It's in the oven."

"Thank you, Dad," she says as she reaches for the bottle of water on the kitchen island. She drinks a few small sips, yet another habit she had to acquire. "I think I'll take a shower first. When will you be heading out?"

He frowns but stays silent for a second as if contemplating what to say, and then he continues softly. "Katie, are you sure you don't want me to stay? I mean work can wait. It really is no big deal and I don't like the thought of you up here alone."

"Dad, we talked about this." She takes a breath, trying not to let irritation seep into her tone. "I don't want to hold you up more than I already have. Besides, I'm stronger now, it's just time to recover from here on out." He looks just as convinced as when they first discussed this. "I'll take it easy. I promise."

He sighs. "I was thinking late afternoon."

Her shoulders relax a little. "Lunch together before you go then?"

"Sure."

She smiles softly before she trails towards the bathroom to shower.

"Paula, I'm not doing another one out of the states, we talked about this. I already did the UK and Australia. Isn't that enough?" he asks, resting his elbows on the arms of the leather chair in his office, his agent looming over him.

"You know it is not, Rick. We are already behind schedule on the publicity for this one due to recent events." She lifts her hands in surrender when he glares at her.

"Look, I know you guys are doing your best. Just set up something local and I'll do it. I'm not leaving, Paula, figure it out," he says calmly, resolutely.

Paula looks him over, the way his shoulders slump, no more quips, no more smartass comments coming from him. She gives in, "Okay, Rick." She grabs her purse off his desk, "Black Pawn is not going to like this. I'd expect a call from Gina if I were you."

"I'll handle Gina."

"Okay, let me know if you change your mind." And with that she leaves his office and he breathes out a sigh when he hears the front door closing after her.

He sits there for a few minutes, staring at the folder sprawled out on his desk. He and the boys managed to get exactly zero leads and he wasn't able to make any headway on his own either. Everything was a dead end. She would be so disappointed.

He is so mad at her, so mad. The way she just pushed him aside. Leaving him fishing for updates on her from the boys and Lanie. So much for being partners. It's been weeks of silence and she never leaves his thoughts. Sometimes it feels like meeting her was a curse. For both of them.

The soft knock on his office door startles him. "Hey, Dad, was that Paula?"

"Hey honey," he responds, smiling at his daughter. God, he doesn't even know what kind of a mess he would be in if it wasn't for her keeping him grounded, giving him purpose. "Yeah, she wanted to talk about press for Heat Rises."

Alexis takes a seat in the leather chair next to his, lifting her feet into the couch and hugging her knees. "Going on tour?" she asks without being able to keep the hope out of her voice.

"No. Not out of the country at least. I-" he looks away to the shelves for a second, "I just think the timing isn't right for that kind of thing."

She is pressing her lips tightly in annoyance, a move he ironically thinks she picked up from Beckett. "Are you sure, Dad? It might be a good thing…"

He twists in his chair a little towards her. "Alexis, I can't leave now." He leaves it at that, hoping his daughter won't push, that they won't have a repeat of the conversation they had after his last, his only, visit to Kate in the hospital. The one where she outlined the irresponsibility of his actions, both as a person and a parent.

She shakes her head at his avoidance. "She hasn't even called." The words spill out cold.

He takes a breath before calmly replying, "That's not the point, honey. Look-" he pauses to turn fully to face her in his chair, "Yes, I was irresponsible in poking into her mother's case. I never thought it would get to this and if I could, I would take it back. You know I would." He tries to hold her gaze to make her see that this is not the way he intended to do things. He was way in over his head.

"But you did," she concedes.

He nods, "But I did, and I can't walk away now. Not after the mess I have led her through. I can't let her do this alone, after I assured her that I would do this with her, all the way. I'm so sorry about where this leaves us. All of us."

She looks at him for the longest moment, and then finally sighs with assent. That is all she is willing to give to this entire thing. "I hope she is worth it, Dad." She stands and kisses his cheek.

He doesn't reply, doesn't feel like defending her. He knows better, when all the evidence is piling against it.

* * *

She watches her dad walk across the small path up to the cabin, a little winded. She is sitting on the bench against the side of the cabin fiddling with a blade of grass.

"Alright, all packed up." He smiles at her in the way that he did when she was a little girl, wrinkles on the side of his eyes, definitely more defined now. She grins in reply and stands up. "I'll be back on the weekend but, Katie, if you need anything call me, okay?"

She rolls her eyes, saying, "Okay, Dad."

He chuckles and says back to her, "It's been a while since I've seen that eye roll."

She laughs at that, "What no 'Don't roll your eyes at me young lady'?"

He smiles wide at that and presses a kiss to her forehead. "Take it slow, Kate."

"I will. Thanks, Dad."

He lingers for a minute and she can tell he wants to say something, already knowing what's coming. "Call him. He deserves better," he says bluntly, and before she has a chance to argue he picks up his jacket from the bench, squeezes her forearm and turns to leave.

She stands there, hearing the car door open and close, the car's engine waking up and then the sound of the gravel under the wheels. She waits until the quiet of the trees is all she can hear before she heads back inside. She closes the door behind her and stares at the empty space, her eyes landing on her phone on the kitchen island, where she left it after calling Lanie. She stares at it for a moment before she steps towards it, picking it up and shoving it in one of the kitchen drawers.

There. That's done with.

She picks up her book from the coffee table and heads towards the back door to read while it's still light outside. Sitting on the swing chair, she tucks her feet under her. Before opening the book, she flips it over and looks at his picture. She shakes her head at her own behavior, shoving the phone in a drawer to stop herself from calling him, but here she is, reading his book. Not the Nikki Heat ones though.

It's one of his old books. He looks so young in the picture on the back of the book jacket, so serious and distinguished, the way she used to think of him when she first started reading his books. But now that she does know him, she can see the mischief in his eyes in that same picture.

 _"Don't leave me, Kate, okay? I love you."_ His words run through her mind and every time she replays them, she feels her heart ache. She tilts her head back and closes her eyes. The squeak of the chair as it swings slowly back and forth is the only sound until she whispers, "Love you too, Castle."

* * *

 **AN: Thank you all for reading, would love to hear your thoughts and promise to post the second chapter soon ^_^**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

* * *

He paces the floor in front of his kitchen for ten minutes before he finally gives in, takes his phone out of his back pocket, then paces another ten more minutes holding it. He negotiates the pros and cons of this. He knows he is overstepping, which will probably make things worse, but she should have been the one to call. So if she is going to play the silence card, then he can do this. Yes, it's her fault. He makes the call.

"Hello?"

"Hello, hi Jim. This is Rick Castle," he fumbles when Jim answers after the first ring.

"Hey Rick. How are you doing, son?"

"I'm alright, how about you?"

"I guess I've been better," he says, and there is a smile in his tone.

"Right. Sorry." Real smooth, Rick, he chides himself.

"No worries," replies Jim calmly.

Then there is silence. In his haste to get on with making the call, he forgot that this may not be the easiest conversation to have and some preparation probably could have helped. So he goes with a slightly indirect approach. "I just wanted to check on you guys, see if you needed anything?"

"That's kind of you, thank you. We're doing okay for now." He sighs, "Katie is doing okay, better than in the hospital."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." When another silence threatens to take over the conversation again, Jim starts. "Listen, Rick, I know that you and Kate aren't…talking at the moment an-"

"It wasn't exactly a mutual decision." Castle can't help but interrupt and then he grimaces and has to remind himself that this is her father he is talking to.

There is a heavy sigh on the other side of the phone. "I know, Rick. My daughter can be stubborn like that sometimes, she should know better. She even kicked me out of my own cabin," he adds, hoping to get the message across that this is not entirely personal, that this is Kate being Kate, even though he knows that that is not entirely true.

"She is up there alone?" he asks, not really surprised, this has Kate all over it. She doesn't want to owe anybody anything.

"Yeah, I tried to stay but she wasn't having any of it. I'll go up there tomorrow, stay the weekend."

"Okay. And she is doing okay?" he asks again.

"She is getting there, slower than she would like but getting there."

"Okay," he repeats.

"Listen, Rick, I'm sorry but I have to go to a meeting."

"Sure sure, I'm sorry to hold you up."

"Nonsense, you can call anytime. I appreciate you checking in."

"Thanks."

"Hang in there and take care."

"You too." He drops his phone on the coffee table and sits on the sofa, leaning into it. She is okay, that's good.

* * *

She can hear her dad's car outside, disrupting the serenity that wraps the cabin, but it also puts a smile on her face, despite her protests that she was starting to get a little stir crazy with all the quiet and nowhere to go. She walks to the little front porch to greet him as he closes the car door. "Hey Dad."

He kisses her cheek, "Hey Katie, how are you doing?"

"Good good. How was the road?"

"Longer than I remember." He smiles and then lifts up a take out bag, "Guess what I have?"

"You didn't!" she smiles gleefully at the bag, the smell already making her mouth water.

"Yep. We will have to reheat it of course, but best Chinese right here." He shakes the bag in his hand.

"Well come on then, what are we waiting for? I'm starving."

* * *

"Katie, your phone is ringing," her dad yells out from somewhere in the kitchen.

She rushes out to the kitchen to open one of the cabinets to fetch her phone before it stops ringing, glancing at her father hoping he hadn't noticed, but the bewildered look he gives her is answer enough. She turns away from him to avoid explaining and answers her phone. "Hey Lanie."

"Hey there, stranger."

She rubs the back of her neck sheepishly, "Yeah, sorry, I guess it's been a while."

"No kidding, how are you doing?"

She really is starting to hate that question. "I'm doing alright, how is work?" she asks routinely.

"Same old, same old. Any trouble with the wound or incision?"

"No more than usual. So I guess that's good," she says, the frustration seeping into her tone.

"It's going to take a while, Kate, you knew that," she reprimands softly.

"Yeah yeah," she appeases.

"I saw writer boy yesterday," she declares openly.

Kate stiffens a little at that and then walks to the back porch, closing the door behind her. She bites her lip but can't stop herself from asking, "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Lanie answers, amused. When Kate doesn't add anything further, she knows that it falls on her to continue the conversation. "Boys invited him for drinks with us, since they don't see him much after Gates kicked him out."

Kate has heard all about the new captain from the boys, Iron Gates, but they haven't said anything about Castle. In fact, they have been infuriatingly avoiding mentioning him throughout all their communications with her and she has been too stubborn to ask. Thank god for Lanie. "She kicked him out?" she asks gently, the most direct she's been about Castle thus far.

"Yeah, but I don't know the details, boys tell me she likes to run a tight ship."

She wonders why he hasn't used his connection with the Mayor, but doesn't say anything about it because she has a feeling she already knows the answer.

"When are you going to get your head out of your ass and call that boy?" asks Lanie, frustrated when she gets her friend's silent response.

"It's not like that. It's just…we are taking a little break. I need to clear my head," she defends weakly. She knows it's getting old, and even to her own ears it sounds unconvincing.

"He in on this arrangement?" Lanie challenges.

"Yes! I told him I needed some time."

"Kate, it's been a-"

"Lanie, can we just drop it please? Dad is already playing the guilt card. Okay?"

Kate hears her friend's heavy sigh through the phone before she starts a neutral topic. "Your dad up there with you?"

"Yeah, stayed the weekend, leaving today though."

"Say hello for me. Okay girl, I'll let you get back to him. Let me know if you need anything, medical or otherwise."

"Thanks, Lanie. I'll call you soon."

"You do that, Kate Beckett."

She smiles at her relentless friend as she hangs up. She takes a minute out on the porch before heading back inside. Her dad is leaving in a little while, and then she will be wrapped up in the stillness again, no distraction from temptation.

* * *

The book drops with a thud onto the coffee table, startling her. She glances at it, then at her dad before going back to the book cover, immediately recognizing that silhouette. She narrows her eyes at her dad, "What's this?"

Her dad grins as he shrugs his jacket on. "It's a book, Katie."

She rolls her eyes and groans this time. "I told you I didn't want to read it," she says, dropping her gaze to the book, already feeling tempted, "Not now at least."

"Well, there it is. You can read it now or you can read it later. It's a good book," he adds nonchalantly.

"You read it?" she asks disbelieving; crime fiction has never been his thing, always made fun of her and her mom for it.

"Still haven't finished it, maybe we should start a book club?" he teases.

She just glares at him.

He laughs, "Relax, Kate, it's just a book."

He has no clue how devastatingly wrong he is. It's everything. She stares at it for a second and examines the cover again. When exactly is it that her friends and dad shifted their loyalty to him! She knows it's childish but she stands, picks up the book and shoves it between the many books lining the shelves against one of the walls. Her father's amused smile doesn't help.

He bends down to pick up his small bag and gives her a kiss on the cheek. "You know he called me to check on you."

"What? Who? Castle?" she sputters.

"Yes. Who else?"

Her eyebrows furrow, why does he always have to push her.

"You don't want to know what he said?" her dad teases, trying to make this whole thing lighter, and he almost chuckles at the tortured look on her face.

She shrugs.

He chuckles at that, "I'll check on you soon, Katie."

She wants to whine and tell him it's not fair, only it's not what she really does. "Drive safe, Dad."

* * *

She lasted a day, a day full of attempts at distractions. She meditated, or at least a very abstract version of it, she walked longer than any other day and even slowed down her pace, she clutched his older book and attempted to focus on the familiar words, which only makes her want to read the new one shoved away within her reach.

She knows why. She knows that once she starts reading his words, the ones that sometimes are full of poorly disguised moments that had happened between them, sometimes not even disguised at all when he leaves them just out there sharing them with the entire world. The words that always made her read with hunger for more; now those words scare her, because she knows that they also have the power to make her forget their standstill. It will make her miss him even more and she will shun away her anger to a tiny corner in her brain. She will have nothing to keep her away.

So now she's lying down in bed, sleep so far away, mocking her. She still pretends like she won't get up and read it, even now as she peels off her blankets.

* * *

 **AN: Thank you all for the amazing response, it makes my day 3. I hope you enjoy this chapter as well ^_^**

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TORONTOSUN: Thank you for reading and reviewing this story as well! I hope you like this chapter

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	3. Chapter 3

AN: Dear all, please note that this chapter contains spoilers for the book Heat Rises.

 **Chapter Three**

* * *

"Richard? What are you doing up this late?"

"I could ask you the same thing, Mother," he jokes without looking up from the pages splayed in front of him.

His mother shrugs as she saunters through the front door, closing it dramatically after herself. "Well, I caught up with some of my theater playmates from back when and time just, you know…" she makes a flying gesture.

"With you, doesn't it always?" he asks teasingly.

Martha drops her purse on the kitchen island next to him. "So, working on a new book?"

"Not exactly." He shuffles the pages into each other, hoping to obstruct her view of them and avoid the lecture, but his mother is nothing if not observant and she sees the now familiar photos before he is able to hide them.

"You know, kiddo, you can always just reach out to her. I'm sure she just needs a little nudge, we all do sometimes."

"I can't call her, not after…" he looks up at his mother. "She doesn't even remember."

"Remember?"

"That I told her I loved her. In the hospital, she told me she doesn't remember anything from the shooting."

Martha's eyebrows lift up in surprise.

"Yeah, so…" he closes the folder in front of him.

"Okay, yes, the situation is less than ideal," she placates, "but maybe this isn't about you and her. Richard, she got shot and this is Katherine we are talking about. I mean you were always going on and on about how independent she is, maybe she just needs time to wrap her head around everything."

"I called her dad this morning," he adds indifferently, because he knows that while his mother may be right, that's not the entire story. Kate has no problems talking to anybody else.

She gives him a reprimanding look.

"What else was I supposed to do?"

She sighs, "What did he say?"

"That she is doing okay, that she will come around."

She squeezes his forearm, because there is nothing else she can offer him.

* * *

She finishes the book within a day and a half. The solitude allows her this indulgence, to dive into his words and wrap them around her. Even though she is going through the last few pages now, there was no rushing. She would stop to think about what he thought while writing a certain part, contemplate the details she knows she never willingly disclosed yet he was able to spot. She flipped the book every once in a while to glance at his picture to reassure herself of something that she doesn't even understand herself. It's an older version that smiles crookedly at her now, all mischief and it's all she needs. It's a great book, maybe even his best.

Now she crawls through the last of the pages as it all falls down in a swirl of veiled familiarity that leaves her a little confused. When she is done, she can already feel her self control waning. She starts to feel it all coming at her like a giant wave that she refuses to drown under, but she can't help the seconds when it rises in her, forcing twin tears to fall down her cheeks right before she tamps it all down, suppressing back the edges of emotions that start to cloud her.

Rook gets shot and Nikki stays. Why?

She has so many things she wants to ask; she always does whenever she reads his books. She never does though, doesn't want to tip her hand, show the almost obsessive level of adoration for his books, never wanting to tamper with the magic of his words.

She rests her head back on the pillow propped on the sofa's arm, tracing the edges of the papers before she flips them.

Then she sees the acknowledgment. _"…how to make sense of songs."_

* * *

She feels particularly proud of herself because she knew. She knew while reading that acknowledgment that she would call, even as her mind lined up all the arguments of why she shouldn't, arguments she wholeheartedly agreed with, but she was certain, just like she was certain that the sun would rise come tomorrow, that she would call. She is proud of how long she held out.

So she calls. She calls in the middle of the night, that part she is not proud of, because it feels like she will combust if she doesn't press the call button next to his name, if she doesn't hear his voice. She'd even ask him to read it to her if that wasn't a level of ridiculous she just wasn't willing to cross.

She is sitting on the edge of her bed, cloaked in encouraging darkness, as she hears the phone ring. _Once, twice, thrice. How is it that a phone ringing can cause her this much anxiety?_

"Kate?" he answers, his groggy, no preamble, answer.

"So, you told my dad on me, huh, Castle?"

"Kate?" he repeats, needing to make sure it's really her. He doesn't understand; his sleepy mind can't make sense of this.

"Yes, Castle," she replies in calmness that she feels nothing of.

"I-" he pauses for a second, lying back in his bed, "you called." He feels entirely too overwhelmed by just her voice, the amused tone that was always there still laces her words now.

"I know it's late, wer-" she starts softly.

"It's okay," he interrupts hurriedly. The silence allows him to hear the crickets in the background on her side.

She fiddles with the edges of his book, bringing it up to her lap and opening it to the acknowledgment.

"How are you doing, Kate?" he asks.

She doesn't remember the last time he called her by her first name this many times in a row, like this, through the phone during a midnight call. It feels soothingly intimate, appropriate. "I'm okay. Slow and steady, you know?"

"Yeah." Although he can't imagine she would actually go by those words and not push herself.

"I just finished reading Heat Rises," she finally confesses. She closes her eyes; it's just so good to hear his voice after so long. So good. His book in her lap, his words swimming in her head and his sleep filled voice in her ear, he is everywhere and it makes her shiver.

He waits her out, but she doesn't elaborate. "And?"

"It's one of your best. Ending must have been tough to write?"

"Yeah."

"Why is it that Rook is the one who got shot?" she asks bluntly; it's been eating at her. Rook gets shot and Nikki stays. What does that mean?

His brain is still having trouble catching up with this entire conversation, feels like it's jumping around. "Does it matter?" he says, though he doesn't know why he says that, because he knows that it does.

"Yes, Rick," she replies weakly. His indifferent answer leaves her eyes stinging. Definitely not the answer she was looking for.

As opposed to him calling her by her first name, her calling him Rick is never a good sign. Sitting up with his back to the headboard, he rubs his free hand over his face, trying to focus his mind. "I didn't want to write an ending with Nikki getting shot. It would have felt too… familiar. I didn't want to immortalize it with words, if that makes sense." He listens for a reaction and then adds quickly, "Plus, I didn't think you'd want to read that."

After a moment she replies with finality, "It's a great book, good dedication too."

"Thank you," he says, and it comes out more like a bewildered question. He takes a second to think about the conversation and it seems that was too long because she takes it as a sign to end the call.

"I should let you get back to sleep."

"Kate, wait."

She doesn't reply at first, expects him to start a conversation she, illogically, expected to avoid, but he doesn't, it's only silence. "Castle?"

"Why did you call?"

And here it is, just a little softer than she expected. She's still not prepared for it. Chewing on her lip, she thinks _I missed your voice seems far too intimate, far too honest_. "I wanted to tell you that I read your book, that it's really good."

"Okay." He can't quite keep the disappointment out of his voice. He doesn't know what he expected; you don't put Kate Beckett on the spot. He thinks about leaving it at that, his anger driving him towards a petulant response, but he knows that won't get them anywhere. "It's good to hear from you, Beckett," he says lightly instead.

"It's good to hear your voice again." She will allow herself that much.

Those words surprise him, mostly because he can hear the smile in her voice.

"Good night."

"Good night, Kate."

* * *

It's true what they say about the light of day and decisions, but now a few hours of sleep and a scrutinizing analysis of every word of that conversation.

She is at a loss. She had put on her boots to go on a walk, but she ended up sitting on the steps of the back porch. She knows the talk went well, or at least better than it could. But what's next? What happens now? How could she have possibly thought that this was a good idea? In all honesty, she never did, but in her need for his voice all protest was dulled, but now it roars at her.

The silence surrounding her is broken as she hears the sound of wheels crushing gravel and she knows it's not her dad, so she bolts to the house for her gun. Retrieving it from the night stand, she is carful not to make any noise as she does so. She can hear the opening and closing of a car door at the front of the cabin, then the steps against the gravel as she leans against one of the bedroom walls for support, her breaths coming a little shorter now. She feels the gun shaking in her damp hand, trying to still it by holding it in both hands. Then the soft knocking.

"Kate?" the familiar rasp says.

 _Castle?_ She furrows her eyebrows. This is enough to distract her from the panic that was about to take over her, making her push herself from the wall, dropping her gun back in the drawer and walking towards the door, accelerating her steps when the knocking gets louder. She yanks the door open, catching him in mid knock. "Castle?"

"Kate." He looks at her with wide eyes that are a little comical. They stand there for a second, looking at each other before he recovers, suddenly looking around. He shoves his hands in his jacket pockets. "You know, I haven't even seen a hospital in sight all the way up here?"

 _What?_ That's not what she expected and it takes her a second to catch up to this strange line of conversation. "There is one," she says and she shrugs dismissively.

"Where?" he replies, not missing a beat.

She fumbles because _why the hell are they talking about this_ , her tone turning defensively aggressive, "An hour away."

The look of disbelief he gives her doesn't help and then he whines, "Kate, what if something happens and you need to see a doctor, what wer-"

"Did you come all the way up here just to yell at me?" she interrupts. It's just like him to irritate her within seconds of being here.

"No." Then he just stares at her, eyes glinting because the fire in her eyes is still there. Despite her thinner form and slight paleness, she is as gorgeous as ever. Always Kate.

She doesn't push for the reason of his surprise visit, knows not to ask those kinds of questions. She just steps to the side in silent invitation.

The floor boards squeak under his weight as he walks into the cabin and she watches his eyes darting everywhere, taking it all in.

Then he turns to face her, a smile on his face, "You look good, Kate."

She runs a self-conscious hand through her hair and smiles back. "You look good too. Umm, can I get you anything to drink?" She feels the awkwardness settle in between them, so she pushes, "I just made some coffee, want some?"

"Sure. Thanks."

She shakes her head at them, this overly polite version of them. She sighs and then lifts a teasing eyebrow, "Going to take off that jacket, Castle?"

"Sure," he repeats awkwardly.

She chuckles and moves to the kitchen to get their coffees. Despite all her worries before and this newly acquired awkwardness between them, sharing a space with him makes her feel like herself in a way she hasn't been able to in a long time.

* * *

Thank you all for reading, reviewing and enjoying, it's much appreciated. **And a big thank you to the beta for this story, the always patient, adama-roslinlove.**

* * *

: I know! What can I do? Cliff hangers are a must. Hope this one makes up for it. Thank you for reviewing.

TORONTOSUN: I hope you like this one ;) thank you for always reviewing, look forward to hear from you again.

MRC83: Thank you for reviewing this story as well! I love fics set during this time too, it's what drove most to write this. Hope you liked this one ;)

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Guest: Thank you for the feedback, see no dragging along ;P. Hope you liked it J thank you for reviewing.

josiebell391: Thank you for reading reviewing, hope you enjoyed this chapter! :D


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Alright people, I suck, I know. So sorry for the long wait. This is a long chapter to attempt to make up for it. Also, almost done with the next one.

 **Chapter Four**

* * *

 _and here when you're_

 _with me,_

 _hidden by giants of trees._

 _Will you say them to me?_

 _ink,_

(Instagram inkthought)

* * *

She takes her time getting their coffee, taking the few moments to quiet her thoughts, to glance at him as he folds his jacket over a chair, his large frame awkward in the small space of the cabin. He wanders a little, first to the shelves just like he did the first time he was in her apartment, and then he traces the edges of a nearby lamp. The way he is familiarizing himself with her space has her stomach in a conflicting knot she doesn't dare analyze.

"Here you go, Castle," she says as she extends the white mug with a smile; the role reversal doesn't go unnoticed by either of them.

"Thank you," he replies, taking a sip of the coffee. Gesturing to the shelves, he adds, "Lots of biographies."

"Mostly my dad's," she replies.

The mention of her dad stiffens his posture and he turns to face her fully. "Listen, Kate, I-" he starts, but he doesn't know what to say really; he won't apologize for calling her dad. "I called Jim to check if you guys needed anything, either of you," he finishes, hoping she leaves it at that.

She studies him for a moment before nodding because she has no legs to stand on if they start that conversation. She turns to move to the sofa, stopping in her tracks when she sees one of his books open and peaking from under the blanket, the other on the coffee table. Great.

He glances at her and then at what she is looking at, then watches how she is looking at him. He lifts an eyebrow at her, the corner of his lips lifting. She blushes but covers it with an infamous Beckett eye roll as she keeps walking to the couch as if nothing happened. She closes the book and covers it with the blanket fully before she sits down. He doesn't follow her immediately, just stands there, mug in hand while the other is in his pocket. He is still taking the place in.

She gives him a few moments of peaceful observation before she asks, "How did you know how to get here anyway?"

He takes a stalling sip from his mug, glancing at her over the rim of his mug to find her amused glare. "I called your dad to ask for directions," he mumbles, shrugging as if that will make his statement less somehow.

"You mean you called him again?" she asks, not letting him off the hook this time, but there is no real anger, she doesn't actually mind. At least she hasn't decided if she is upset with him being here yet.

He doesn't say anything.

"You guys are getting along well it seems," she adds grudgingly, then slowly lifts her legs to the sofa and crosses them under her.

He smirks at the annoyance in her voice, "Would you rather I called Ryan, Esposito or Lanie?" Yeah, that shuts her up but her glare now is not amused.

She taps her nails against the mug a couple of times before breaking the silence, "How is the Precinct?" She knows he isn't going anymore, but she can't tell him she is keeping tabs on him and the silence was getting awkward again.

He sits on the chair opposite her, "I'm afraid the new captain doesn't like me." Then he swiftly continues, trying not to linger on the idea of a new captain, "Apparently her precinct has no room for dilettante writers playing cop."

Both of her eyebrows lift at that and then her lips press in an attempt not to laugh.

"Okay, no need to be mean, Detective, your turn will come."

"Oh, I'm sure she will like me just fine." She shrugs smugly.

"Wanna bet?" he asks with a smirk, because he is sure Beckett, controlling as she is, is going to get at least some resistance from the uptight captain.

"Castle, I have the highest case clearance rate. She will learn to like me."

"Wow, way to be modest, and I'm pretty sure I helped with those rates, but she didn't care."

"And you just left?"

He stares at her for a moment, and she knows she shouldn't have asked that. "Well, you weren't there to laugh at my jokes, so." He shrugs.

She bites the inside of her lower lip trying not to laugh, "I don't think I laughed at those."

"Sometimes you just rolled your eyes, but I knew you were laughing on the inside," he insists smugly.

She laughs at that, clutching the mug tighter, then smiles as she watches the proud look on his face and it reminds her just how much light he brings with him.

He looks around again, "So, nice place. What do you usually do up here?"

She looks around with him and then shrugs, "Not much, it's quiet here."

"Is that good?"

"Wasn't good at the beginning, but it is now."

He nods a couple of times.

"I read, go for walks, take a lot of naps…" she adds sheepishly. _Think about you._

He wonders if she is taking any medications. He decides that commenting on that may be a bad idea. "Hey, I can see what you mean about the reading." He nods towards the book on the coffee table between them and then at the blanket she's basically sitting on now.

She glares at him, "I knew that you would bring that up."

He smirks. "Glad I could keep you company somehow." He winks but it falls flat when he sees how she takes his words.

"Castle, I ju-"

"It's okay, Kate, we don't have to talk about it, it's not why I'm here," he interrupts.

She is silent for a moment, but lets it go even though she knows they will have to talk about this whether she wants to or not. Running her hand through her hair, she clears her throat,

"I was about to go for a walk before you got here, want to join me?"

"Sure." He smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes.

She stands and reaches for his mug, dropping them both in the sink in the kitchen, then goes to put on her shoes again.

He just watches her go about her routine, noticing for the first time the way she leans to one side a little, how she doesn't extend her arms too far. He wishes he could do something to make it all go away, and he can't begin to imagine how she feels, having your strength taken away just like that.

"Okay, all set." She stands in front of the back door, then looks him up and down and winces, "Might ruin your shoes there, Castle," she points at his shoes, "Suede loafers, really, Rick?"

His eyes light up at the use of his first name and she has to duck her eyes to his shoes again and ignore the flutter in her stomach.

"It's okay; these can be my fancy hiking shoes from now on." He lifts an eyebrow at her.

She smiles and shrugs. "Not going to be much of a hike though, still working towards that," she admits reluctantly, suddenly feeling self-conscious at her new limitations.

"Lead the way."

She is grateful he doesn't make a patronizing comment just to make her feel better. Very grateful.

* * *

The walk is peaceful. For the first time, she doesn't feel its toll on her muscles with Castle right there next to her keeping her distracted.

"So is this part of the physical therapy?"

"This _is_ the physical therapy, this and a couple of breathing exercises." She glances at him, seeing the interest in his eyes, "The heavy stuff comes later, have to get back to the city for that."

"Does it hurt? The incision?" he asks.

"How did yo-" she stops when she sees his eyebrows lifted, "Of course. You know a guy."

He chuckles, "Something like that."

"Sometimes it stings or pulls. Not much though, and I have the pain meds for that, but it's okay if I move carefully."

"Good, good." He is surprised she shares so willingly with him, offers all these details.

She smiles when they reach the bench; her smile is wider when she sees the bewildered look on Castle's face.

"Why is a blue bench in the middle of the woods?"

"My dad built this when I was young." She smirks proudly, "I helped."

He has to smile at that, and then follows her lead when she brushes off the leaves covering the bench to sit.

"Today is the first time I've made it this far, I haven't seen it in a while."

"Kate, you don't have to push yourself ju-"

She waves a dismissive hand at him, "It's fine, Castle, just give me a minute and then we will head back."

"Okay." He sits next to her and starts to notice the jagged edges of the chair, the chipped paint, and now he can see how this was a fun project once upon a time.

"You guys made this?"

"Well, my dad did, I mostly handed him tools. I'm pretty handy with a tool, Castle," she adds with a crooked smile and he can almost swear that's some sort of innuendo.

"I did help with staining the wood though, Mom and I." She smiles at the memory, "She insisted we drag it all the way over here so that we could use it when we hiked or to read; she used to come read here a lot in the summers."

"It's a good spot." He smiles wide at her, because he can understand it better now, sees how the solitude was good for her. She is good here surrounded in woods. Just her, no complications, and he wants to stay here with her forever, shielded by giants of trees.

The silence is comfortable then, just birds echoing.

"Castle." Her hands clutch at the seat on either side of her legs as she stares at the leaves at her feet. "I needed the time alone. All this." She looks around.

"I know; I can see that it's good for you. But why just me?" he asks softly, hoping it sounds less angry than he feels, less pathetic.

He stares at her as if he is searching for the truth. She swallows thickly, because it reminds her of how he used to look at her in the beginning, trying to figure her out. And she realizes how ill prepared for this conversation she is. She is going to have to give him more, he deserves that much. She sees him frowning when she takes too long, "I'm just thinking of the right words, Castle. I always screw this part up."

He keeps his gaze on the trees, giving her time.

"I remember what you said when I was shot," she says softly, as if she doesn't really want him to hear her. She turns her head towards him, waiting for him to understand what she is saying.

"Oh," he clears his throat and then takes a second to organize his thoughts, feeling her eyes on him, "When did it come back to you?"

She presses her lips together, and then goes back to staring at the leaves. "I never…from the beginning." She meets his eyes and the hurt there has her clenching her hands around the bench.

He stands and she almost shoots up after him, but then he just paces the small space in front of the bench. After a moment of silence that she doesn't dare interrupt he says, "I don't know what to say, Kate. I don't know what this means." He stops pacing to face her, "I'm not surprised that you remember. When you didn't call or reach out even though you called everyone else I thought that might have been the reason and you just didn't wa-"

"No, Castle, it's not that I don-" she stands to be level with him, to start over. "It's not what you think. I was scared, I was a mess and it was just easy to pretend and I didn't know if you really meant it."

He doesn't reply, but she can see how his eyes soften.

She chews on her lip, worried she is doing all of this wrong. "I thought that you may have said it just because I was dying." She ducks her eyes to catch his, "But then I read the acknowledgment."

His gaze holds hers for the longest moment, but she refuses to back down, wants him to see that she understands.

"And then you called?" he half asks.

"And then I called," she confirms.

* * *

They walk back to the cabin in silence. It sets her on edge, but she knows he needs time with his thoughts. Their conversation felt oddly incomplete, and she knows he is waiting for something from her, but she just can't give him that right now and it leaves them at a stand still.

When they reach the back porch door of the cabin, she touches his forearm to get his attention, "Are you hungry?"

He startles at her touch and her question, so mundane after their last words. "I could eat."

She lets go of his forearm to get a hold of the rail along the small steps; she really shouldn't have pushed herself this much today. "Soup and sandwiches okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. How about I make those?"

"No, no that's fine, mind if I take a shower before though?"

"Really, Kate, it's no trouble. You go take your shower and I'll get started on the food."

She sighs, "Okay, how about I take a shower and then we do it together? It will be faster."

He huffs in frustration, "Just go take your shower, Kate."

She glares at him, but then steps into the cabin and heads towards her room.

When she comes back out, the tomato soup is already on the pot and he is flipping their grilled cheese sandwiches. He doesn't seem to have noticed her, he is whistling and something about the entire situation warms her heart, how much he fits, and she just wants to go to him and wrap her hands around him.

"I've been told repeatedly that staring is creepy, Detective," he says without turning around.

She flushes, but recovers quickly, "And what were you told about rummaging through someone else's house?"

He turns then with a smirk to find her leaning her hip against the kitchen island, hair, still damp from her shower, brushing her sun kissed shoulders, and he wants to brush his hands against them to see if they feel as smooth as they look. He lifts his eyes to meet hers, finds an arched eyebrow and then shrugs, "What? It's my turn to be creepy."

She smiles at that, a blush coloring her cheeks.

"I went with tomato; I hope that's okay?"

"Yeah, thank you." She moves towards one of the cabinets and starts taking out plates.

* * *

"You know, Kate, you can go take a nap. I'll entertain myself."

"No, no, I'm just resting my eyes for a second."

He chuckles, "If you say so." He waits for her breathing to even out before he gets up, using the bathroom to freshen up and then washing the few dishes in the sink. Walking around the small cabin, he looks at the few pictures hanging here and there and then finally picks one of the books from the shelves, a biography that looks interesting. Settling at the opposite end of the couch, he lifts his legs on the coffee table and starts reading.

He glances at her every once in a while; he thinks she can't be comfortable like that but he is afraid to move her, she will wake up or worse, he'll hurt her. He lets her be; he will wake her up soon. He closes the book in his lap, his thoughts taking him to their conversation. It always baffled him, always loved, how she never says what she really means. How he has to piece the words and glances together, never has a woman before occupied so much of his mind. This constant need to hide parts of herself, even those not necessarily vulnerable. He used to love solving those puzzles, but now he has no clue, not about this version of her, the one that offers him stories about her childhood, who was shot and is vulnerable yet wraps herself in steel and solitude. A storm of conflict.

She stirs next to him.

"Hey," he presses his lips together at the way her eyes dart around, confused.

"Hi. Did I fall asleep?"

"Aha."

"Sorry," she adds sheepishly, sitting up and brushing a hand through her hair.

"No worries, gave me time to snoop and I have to say, little Kate Beckett with her front teeth missing, adorable!"

She groans and buries her face in her hands.

He chuckles.

She glances at the window and sees that it's dark outside. "How long was I asleep for?"

"Almost an hour and a half." He lifts the book in his lap, "I hope you don't mind, I borrowed a book."

"Sure," she looks at the cover, "Any good?"

"Yeah, pretty interesting, I'm not sure why I haven't read this before. Hemingway is one of my favorites."

"Mine too."

"You mean besides me?"

She laughs, "Sure, Castle." She stands and walks to the bathroom, stopping by the kitchen on her way back, turning towards him, "You did the dishes?"

"Yeah." He shrugs.

"Jeez, Castle, you're making me a very bad host."

"Hey, I came here unannounced; the least I could do is help around."

She studies him for a second, "I'm glad you came."

"You are?"

She sighs and then goes to sit next to him, facing him, but keeping her gaze on the shelves behind him. He can tell that she is weighing her words and he can see that she is trying hard not to push him away.

"Kat-" he starts telling her to forget about it and that frustrates her, how little he expects from her.

"No, Castle, I need to say this." She doesn't do this, she doesn't take off her shield, but here with just him she feels like she should at least try, but she has to be careful with what she says. "I am glad you came and I'm sorry it took so long for me to reach out and that I lied at the hospital. I really did need time to get better. In the beginning, everything was a struggle and I couldn't handle anything more." She swallows, "I'm still not sure I can now, but that doesn't mean that I'm not glad you are here. That I'm not happy that you wrote that acknowledgment, it meant a lot to me."

Castle studies her, the faint blush as she fiercely keeps his gaze. He repeats her words in his head and he knows that she still hasn't given him anything back, but he also knows that what she says makes sense; his timing wasn't great and he should try to give her time. "I'm glad too, Kate."

She offers him a soft smile, relieved that maybe he finally understands what she is saying.

Then he is standing, looking at his watch, and her stomach clenches at the idea of him leaving. The idea of solitude is no longer appealing.

"I should probably head back, leave you be."

She stands and gives a faint nod; she doesn't even know why she thought he would stay, but it feels like something is being taken from her. She follows him as he takes a few steps towards the door.

"You can stay," she blurts out. "If you wanted," she adds when he turns around with surprised eyes, can't help the little shrug that accompanies it.

"Ar-Are you sure, I mean I don't want to impose…"

 _Damn it, Castle._ "Not imposing," she offers, hoping.

"Okay, yeah. I'd really like that." His eyes are bright and it makes her smile. "Just let me grab my bag from the car," he adds sheepishly.

Her eyes widen. "You brought a bag?" she asks disbelieving.

"Always be prepared," he says, not missing a beat as he lifts his middle three fingers in the boy scout signal.

"You were never a boy scout!" she replies, twisting her lips in that amused-annoyed glare only she makes possible.

He just smirks at the familiar memory.

* * *

 **Thanks you all for continuing to read, appreciate you all 3 and thank you to the patient adama-roslinlove for editing this story.**

life's a mystery: thank you, I'm glad that comes across, hope you liked this one too ^_^

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	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

* * *

 _Like sunshine crawling in my veins,_

 _Like rain drops tapping on my skin._

 _ink,_

* * *

She goes to grab herself a bottle of water from the kitchen and grabs one for him too while he goes out to his car to get his bag. She shakes her head at his arrogance, kind of glad for it. When he is back inside, she offers him the bottle, an amused smile on her face as she eyes the leather overnight bag.

"Thanks."

"You can take your bag to my dad's room; it's the second door on the left."

"Umm, are you sure he wouldn't mind?"

She lifts an amused brow and says, "Well, you're not going to stay in my room."

"I was actually thinking I'd take the couch, thank you very much."

"This couch?" she asks, pointing at the two person couch next to them. "Well, as fun as it would be to see you try to fit on that, I'm actually not that bad of a host, Castle."

He smiles innocently, "So your bed then?"

"Second door on the left, Castle," she reprimands.

He moves towards the room to drop his bag, mumbling, "You started it."

"I heard that!" she calls out, "Move it, Castle, and come help me make dinner."

"Yes ma'am." He chuckles to himself at how beautifully domestic that sounded.

* * *

"If you can cook this well, why the Styrofoam temple?"

She glares at him, replying, "For your information, there is no longer a Styrofoam temple." She then shrugs as she takes another dish from him to dry, "At least, not much."

He chuckles, "Well, thank you for a delicious meal."

"You're welcome for a delicious meal." She smiles at him, holding his gaze for a second.

He turns off the faucet as she dries the last of the dishes, hanging the towel on the knob of the cabinet by her hip.

"So." He turns and leans his hip on the side of the sink, facing her as she does the same, a soft smile on her face. It's the one he rarely gets to see, except all day today it was there.

"Umm, do you need anything?" she asks, holding his gaze, eyes flicking to his lips for a split second before forcing her eyes to focus on his. "Toothbrush?"

"No, I'm good, all in the bag." He smirks.

"Of course." She pushes off the counter, "Good night, Castle."

"Night."

* * *

He finds her at the small table, sunlight making a halo around her, doing a crossword. Hot. "Good morning."

"Hey, Castle." She smiles at his ruffled appearance, his hair standing in odd directions, so unlike his well groomed self. Her heart tightens when she thinks that this makes him hers in a little way, the peek she gets now.

He notices the empty plate and coffee mug next to her. "You had breakfast without me?"

She looks down at the table, "Not really, just some fruit and coffee, been up for a while."

"You should have woken me up."

She is taken aback because it's so strange to have this conversation with him. "It was too early and I didn't want to be mean."

He chuckles as he walks towards her. "Huh, you still got a couple of words to go," he says, lifting the newspaper to inspect it.

"Give me that." She stands and tries to snatch it from him but he keeps it out of her reach.

"I can help. Words are kind of my thing you know." He smiles smugly down at her, his gaze flicking down to her mouth when he realizes how close she is.

She notices and feels the flush rising up her neck, so she threatens, "Castle, if you touch th-"

"Already am touching it," he deadpans, eyes meeting hers again.

She grits her teeth as she glares at him, her peaceful morning shot to hell.

 _God he loves that glare_. He lifts the newspaper high above them to read, "Let's see, five down is 'Disappearing gradual-' Ow, Ow, Kate!"

"Don't think just because I can't reach at the moment means I can't do any damage. Now give me back my crossword," she states calmly.

"Jeez, you don't have to twist so hard. Ow, okay, okay here." He drops the newspaper and glares at her satisfied grin.

"Can I make pancakes?" he asks as he turns towards the kitchen.

"Sure, I'll help." She joins him in the kitchen and starts to pull down ingredients.

* * *

He finds her huddled with a book on the couch when he finishes his shower. "Hey."

She lifts her eyes to him. "Hey, Alexis called," she says, nodding to the phone on the coffee table.

"You answered my phone?" he smiles.

"No! I let it ring out, I'm just telling you," she defends, not sure why. He smiles at her and she realizes he is just messing with her. "Very funny, Castle. Go call your daughter."

He smirks, "I'll be right back."

She watches as he goes through the door to the back porch and closes the door behind him. It does nothing to settle her worry that her solitude may have damaged more than her relationship with him; he never used to walk away to talk to his daughter. Shoving the book to the side, she goes to busy herself with making coffee. She is pouring herself a cup by the time he is walking back inside. "Want some?"

"Sure."

She grabs another cup and says, "How is Alexis?"

"She is good. She's in California, visiting her mom and helping Ashley settle down at Stanford." He pouts at the last part.

She smiles at that. "She still wants to go there?"

"Unfortunately."

She hums and hands him the cup. "And Martha?"

"Mother is mother." He lifts an eyebrow, "Busy with the acting school."

She nods, wishing she could just ask what she really wants to ask.

"Hey, can I borrow a notepad or something?"

She quirks an eyebrow at him.

"I thought I'd do some writing while you read, but I didn't bring my laptop with me."

"You can use my laptop if you want. It's on the dresser in my room."

"Oh, that would be great. Thank you."

"Just don't leave any files after you're done." She moves away from him, "I don't want to read any spoilers."

"Careful, Detective, your fan-girl is showing."

"Shut up, Castle."

She can hear his annoying laugh all the way down the hall.

* * *

She takes another glance at him over the edge of her book. He's settled at the small table by the windows, headphones plugged into his phone and he has been typing away for a while now. Richard Castle at work.

She smiles excitedly; she has never seen him while he wrote and it feels strangely intimate. She huffs at herself; she is being creepy with the watching, so she puts her book aside and moves towards him. He removes the headphones and she can hear the soft music humming around them. "Hey, I was just going to go for a walk and I wanted to see if you wanted to come with?"

His eyes widen, "Umm." He looks at the computer screen and then at her. "I- do you mind if I skip this one?" he asks sheepishly.

She has her lips in that amused twist of a smile, "Sure, just wanted to let you know." Huh, this is new.

"It's just that I'm on a roll and I-"

"Really, Castle, you don't have to explain, see you in a bit," she says as she moves to the back porch to put on her shoes.

He puts his headphones back on and yells a little too loudly, "Enjoy your walk."

And why the hell does she feel like she just lost to Nikki.

* * *

Her walk has been quiet and peaceful and she is grateful for the time to organize her thoughts. When she walks back into the cabin an hour later, she finds him in the exact same spot, still writing. He doesn't even notice her and she has to fight a strange combination of wanting to watch him write, wanting to peek behind his shoulder and wanting his attention back on her.

She grabs a bottle of water and her mat and heads to the back porch again, laying down the mat and settling on it cross-legged. She straightens her spine slowly, wincing as the incision by her side pulls a little. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, holds it in, one, two, thr-

She can hear his hurried steps and then the squeak of the door. She groans as he says, "What are you doing?"

She opens her eyes and finds him towering above her, "Meditating. Trying."

"Oh. Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt, but the laptop died on me."

"Well yeah, you have been on that thing for hours," she says, annoyance coloring her tone.

He quirks a surprised eyebrow.

She sighs, "I'll grab the charger for you." She is waiting for him to move back so she can get up.

"It can wait."

She looks at him questioningly.

"Can I meditate with you?" he asks quietly, as if he expects her to say no.

Her lips quirk in surprise, "You want to meditate?"

"Is that so hard to believe?" he asks indignantly.

"Yes!" she replies automatically.

"I can be quiet."

She lifts an eyebrow at him. "Okay, then let's see you be quiet." She extends her hand in front of her in invitation.

He drops right in front of her and mirrors her position, his knees touching hers, and then his hands settle on the tops of his knees, slightly brushing his fingertips with hers.

She is looking at him knowingly but doesn't say anything, doesn't move away.

"So, how do we do this?"

She chuckles. "Okay, Castle. Close your eyes," she tells him softly.

He does as she says. "Why do you get to keep your eyes open?" he teases.

"I'm not. And don't open your eyes to check." She rushes out the last part and she can almost hear his smile at that.

"Even while meditating you're controlling."

"Shh." But she is smiling.

"What now?"

"Now we breathe and we let go of our thoughts." She hears him take a deep intake of air and let it out. "Not like that."

"I'm breathing wrong?" She laughs and he cracks open an eye to see her. So beautiful.

"Take a deep breath counting to four. Hold it for eight and then repeat."

Then he is breathing like she tells him.

It's quiet out here, the rustle of the trees around them, his breathing, and she can't help but reopen her eyes, watch him, the rise and fall of his chest, the way his hair falls against his forehead, still messy from his shower. This moment here is perfect.

Then the blue of his eyes startles her, "I knew you were cheating."

"You knew nothing. You were just trying to cheat too." She smiles smugly at him.

He tugs at her pointer finger in retaliation. "Come on cheater, close your eyes."

She smiles and closes her eyes after him.

"How exactly am I supposed to let go of my thoughts?"

"Don't try too hard, just repeat something in your head or focus on an object."

There is a second of quiet, but then he interrupts again. "What do you do?" That familiar curiosity fills his tone.

She is quiet for a moment as if she is contemplating telling him, "Candle flame."

He hums in approval.

A few more deep breaths and then she is the one interrupting softly, "How about you?"

When he doesn't answer, she opens one eye and finds his lips pressed in amusement.

"Castle," she reprimands, because she knows exactly what he is thinking about.

"What? It's relaxing."

"Relaxing?"

"Okay, maybe not relaxing, but certainly enjoyable."

"You're terrible at this," she replies calmly

He sighs, "I know." And it seems he has given up, because now he is playing with her fingertips. She opens her eyes and sees he is looking to his left towards the trees. "It's really beautiful out here."

"It is."

He slides his palms across his knees to hers and intertwines each of his hands with hers, grazing the nail of his right thumb against the pads of her own.

She stares down at their hands and then meets his eyes.

"Thanks for letting me stay."

She swallows; it's always been this side of him that has completely owned her. She brushes her thumb against his palm, "Thanks for staying." And she hopes he knows she means more than today.

He nods, then smiles cheekily at her, "So, about that charger."

"I think it's in one of my drawers. Let me see where I put it."

"I can get it if you want to finish…breathing?"

She chuckles, "And give you more opportunities to snoop, I don't think so. Besides, I'm hungry."

He jumps to his feet and extends his hand. She looks at it wearily and before even voicing her worry, he insists softly, "I'm not going to pull you up, you can just lean on it." She then takes his hand and uses it to get herself upright.

* * *

"So…" he looks at her, then at his sandwich, "Can I ask you a question?"

She eyes him wearily and then nods reluctantly as she sips her water.

"What happened with Josh?" he asks nervously.

She thinks he may have already heard it from the boys, Lanie, or her dad with the way they are seemingly bonding. "We broke up," she offers in summary.

"Okay." Seems like there is a limit to her sharing spree.

She sees the flash of resignation on his face, closes her eyes against it for a second, and then takes a breath. "It wasn't fair to him. He shouldn't be stuck with taking care of me, being with me when I never-" she shifts her gaze to the window – with men you don't love. "It just wasn't right." She doesn't want to think about that fight.

"I understand."

It feels like all the things she doesn't say stretches the void between them, and she can feel the words she wants to say trapped in her throat. Now, here is exactly why she needed time away from him. She feels stuck; he traps her. It feels like she only sees him, only needs him, that no one else can be what he is for her, no one can bring light to her darkness like he does. Maybe before, when she wasn't so shattered, this person crippled by fear, loss and anger, maybe if they took any of the hundred opportunities given to them the past few years. Maybe.

He sees she is lost in thought, so withdrawn from him. "Was it that bad?"

She stares at him, confused for a second before realizing he is still talking about Josh. "No, no." She props her elbow on the table and rests her head against her palm. "I think he was a bit relieved. It was a good relationship, but I think we were both trying too hard to make it work."

"I'm sorry."

She nods. She knows he is not. Taking a breath, she nods towards the laptop beside them, "How is the book going?"

"Not much of a book yet, still dappling, just moments here and there."

"You have a title yet?"

He sees the excited glimmer in her eyes, "I thought you didn't want spoilers?"

She huffs, "I don't."

"Fine then."

* * *

She makes coffee again while he washes their dishes. She asks if he wants to go write but he shakes his head, grabs both of their coffees and heads out the back door, sitting on the backless bench against the wall. "You know, I love the beach house and all, but this right here is just good for the soul."

She smiles as she takes her coffee from him and nods.

He holds his cup in both hands and tilts his head back against the wall, closing his eyes. "When do you go back to work?"

"A little over a month. Hopefully. If I get cleared."

He chuckles.

"What?"

He cracks an eye open, "You must be going out of your mind."

She narrows her eyes at him. "Shut up. I'm not." She is.

"Anyway, believe me, no rush to meet the new captain."

 _New captain_.

He opens his eyes to look at her when she doesn't say anything.

He sighs, he is an idiot. He feels like she blames him though, her words at the hospital, "Do you blame me?"

"Castle," she warns, because she can already feel the anger seething in her chest, the same anger that was vanishing with his book, his voice and him being here. It's all coming back.

"Kate," he insists softly, because he can see the tears that now cloud her eyes, even if she won't look at him. "We have to talk about it, you blame me."

She tightens her jaw, willing the tears that are already down her cheeks not to fall.

"You know, Kate, it's not like I planned this out with the captain. All I got was a phone call from him to come get you and that you were in danger. I didn't know about his involvement until you did." He puts his coffee aside, stands, moves to the railing and tightens his hands around it. She wasn't the only one that lost a friend that day.

She looks at his back and presses angrily, "You could have let me stay, be with him, maybe if I was ther-"

He interrupts, "Kate, they would have just killed you. He knew what he was getting himself into." He turns to face her, calmer now. "He did this to protect you, to protect his wife and kids. They were also on the line here."

"So you are saying this is my fault?" She stands, her posture rigid with defense.

He sees it now, so much guilt in her eyes. He knows how she feels.

"No, Kate. It's the fault of whoever is behind this entire thing." He moves closer now, standing before her. "Montgomery made a mistake when he was young and he was making it right in his own way. The only way he knew how." He wraps his hand around her forearm, "Kate, listen to me, this is not your fault."

She is staring at him, "Castle, I-"

"Not your fault," he says resolutely as he wraps his arms gently around her in a loose hug, silent tears falling as she rests her head against his shoulder.

* * *

They spend the rest of the afternoon on their own, giving each other space. He goes to write and she takes a nap and reads. They have dinner together, but then he leaves to write again and she sits outside, over-thinking everything until she decides to call her dad.

She is just hanging up when he joins her on the back porch again, smiling when he sees that the cloud has lifted a little.

"My dad says hello."

"You told him I stayed?" he asks nervously.

She smirks, "Yes." She eyes him, lifting an eyebrow, "And I told him you took over his room too."

"Kate." He sits next to her and she scoots over a little, giving him space, though he is still close enough for them to brush shoulders. "Is he okay with that?"

She chuckles, "Relax, Castle. He likes you."

"I like him too."

"Well, good for the two of you."

He laughs at that. "So I can stay?"

She turns sharply towards him, wincing at the quick movement. He can't leave, not now. "If you want to, yes, I'd like the company." Okay, _that wasn't so bad._

"I want to," he says softly.

"Good," she swallows, because the way he is looking at her, happiness dancing in his eyes, such clear blue.

"Good." He smiles and it's that crooked one that shows the wrinkles at the corners of his lips. She watches the smile widen and realizes it's because he is watching her stare at his lips.

She clears her throat, looking him in the eye before shifting her gaze to the sky.

"Kate," he calls softly, because she doesn't get to do this, not after letting him in so beautifully. He wants to know and if she isn't going to offer him words, if she is going to keep them at the edge like this, he is going to push.

She turns her head to look at him, her hands clutching the edges of the bench, watching as he leans in a little close, his eyes over-spilling with apprehension. Her thoughts are so scrambled by him now.

He lifts a hand to her cheek and slides it until his fingers are tangled in her hair, the earthy green of her eyes locked with his. "I'm going to kiss you now," he warns and her eyes fall to his lips.

The press of his lips against hers is so gentle but it has her stilling against him and it clenches at his heart. He captures her lower lip between his, willing her to react to him. Anything. But she is all rigid lines. He loosens his hand from her hair, brushes his thumb once over her cheekbone, then he leaves her lips, his nose resting against her cheek for a second before he starts to lean back. Then he feels the flutter of her fingers, nails grazing against the line of his jaw and his neck as she shifts his lips back into place over hers.

* * *

Thank you all for reading and reviewing, it makes my day ^_^ and a big thank you to adama-roslinlove for always making this story so much better.

First thank you to all the guest reviewers, I'm sorry I can't thank you by name. 3

 **life's a mystery** : It's been really fun writing these parts, glad you liked them.

 **cruise2213** : I'm glad you feel strongly about it! and josh is a little bit in this one, but that's enough out of him. No?

 **RWPSGM89** : Sigh. I'm still not over that. I'm so glad fan faction exists.

 **MRC83:** thank you so much, hope you like this one too, we are getting somewhere ;)

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 **bogolisk:** I'm so glad, thank you for letting me know

 **TORONTOSUN** : haha glad you liked the references. I'm glad you like the progress of the story.

 **CastellumKeep** : it's Castle ;) hope you liked this one.

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 **philliesfan1000** : :D thank you! It's a delicate dance, hope you enjoyed this one too.

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 **theputz913** : sorry took longer than I thought, the story just wan't going where I want it to. Hope you liked it.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I'm sorry this chapter took forever, work has been a whirlwind

 **Chapter Six**

* * *

She untangles herself from him, moving to stand as she clears her throat. Walking the short distance to the rail, she turns around to face him and leans back against the rail, finally glancing up at him. She can still feel the flush up her neck. Shit, that was so much better than the last time they did that. What now? I really have no plan here. She feels like she really should say something.

"So, I was going to make dessert," he starts.

"What?"

"Dessert," he offers, watching her.

She finally gets what he is doing. He doesn't want to spook her and she is grateful for it, because she does feel a little spooked. "And?"

"You have nothing to make dessert with. Jeez, Beckett, not even ice cream."

"There is fruit," she offers.

"Oh, shut up."

She smirks at that, back to normal. "What did you want?"

"Cookies?"

"Our accommodations not good enough for you, Mr. Castle?"

He stands and steps closer to her, saying, "The staff isn't so bad." He wiggles his eyebrows.

She rolls her eyes.

"Is there a grocery store or something close by?"

"Yeah, it's pretty close. We can go tomorrow if you want?"

He nods as he crowds her against the rail, his hands between them playing with the hem of her shirt. This roller-coaster is seriously messing with her head.

She swallows, "Umm, we should go to bed."

He just hums, but his eyes dance with knowing amusement. "You want to kiss me again, don't you?"

"No." That didn't take long at all. Jackass.

"Then stop staring at my lips."

"I'm not." She meets his eyes defiantly.

"Were to," he comments as he steps even closer, "You know I'd really love it if you did. Kiss me again, I mean."

"Stop saying kiss," she huffs, but leans closer to him. Her eyes are still locked with his and she is moving slowly, wanting to give herself a chance to think this through, but her brain is blissfully blocking any reasoning that would deny her this. She lifts on her tip toes, closing the small distance between them, and her lips are finally over his again.

He immediately takes advantage, his tongue tracing her lower lip; her hands fist his shirt at his sides, tugging him closer as she opens for him. He groans when she pulls his lip between her teeth and then runs her tongue over it soothingly; his hold tightens on her hip while the other is buried in her hair at the back of her neck, trying to take back control. She wants to be closer, but his hands on her keep her in place. She lifts her hand to thread her fingers through his hair but she pulls back quickly, hissing, her forehead against his jaw, eyes shut tight.

"Kate?" he panics, "Shit. Kate, did I hurt you? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be kissing you. What was I thinking? I'm sorry."

"Castle. Shh." Her hand wraps around his forearm, squeezing.

He stills for a second. "Is it the incision, should we go to the hospital? I know it's an hour away, but I can drive fast." His words are rushed as he leans down to look into her eyes.

She grabs his shirt, tugs him closer and kisses him hard. "Shut up, Castle."

"You say that a lot," he complains.

"Well, you talk a lot and you're ruining the moment."

"We're having a moment?" he asks, amusement dancing in his eyes.

She glares at him.

"You okay?" he asks softly.

"Yeah, just lifted my hand too quickly, pulled at the incision a little. I'm fine."

"Can't have enough of me, huh?" he smirks. "Ow, ow, Kate, let go!"

She smirks as she releases his skin. "Good night, Castle."

"What? No kiss good night?"

"I just kissed you."

"Yeah," he agrees with a dreamy smile on his face, "You really did, didn't you?"

She blushes at the look he gives her and repeats softly, "Good night, Castle."

"Night, Kate."

* * *

He grabs one of the baskets by the door as they move towards one of the aisles. He looks at her, hands in her jacket pockets, stiff and small. "You okay?"

She turns sharply to look at him, "Yeah. Fine." She moves closer to him to avoid the woman and child passing through the same aisle. "I think the cookies are two aisles over."

"Okay," he says softly, watching her, the way she carries herself so foreign to him. All that self-confidence gone and he is a little lost at what to do. "Anything you would like?"

"Orange juice," she answers stiffly, as if just to appease him.

"That's all?" He knows there is a full carton back in the fridge at the cabin. "Come on, indulge a little."

She looks at him for a moment, knowing that he is trying to distract her from this sudden panic she feels. "Cereal, maybe some coco?" she adds, glancing at the shelves behind him.

"Excellent choices, Madame."

She smiles at him and moves towards the rows of cereals, still keeping close to him.

"Oh! Marshmallows!" he says excitedly as he grabs the bag.

She rolls her eyes at him, "What do you need marshmallows for?"

"Okay, Detective. First of all, that is such an absurd question. Marshmallows are an essential," he says with a finality that has her smiling at his indignation.

"And second of all?"

"I'm going to make us smorlettes," he adds cheekily.

"What?" she asks, lifting an eyebrow.

"Smorlettes. The most awesome omelette you will ever taste."

"And that requires marshmallows?"

"Yes," he shrugs.

She scrunches her face at the thought. "I don't think so, Castle." She grabs the marshmallows and puts them back on the shelf.

He grabs them again and drops them in the basket. "Come on, Kate, I make them at home all the time."

"Do Martha and Alexis eat them?" she asks disbelievingly.

He gives that puppy-eyed look. "No, not exactly, but I promise you will love it."

"No, I won't," she huffs, "That sounds absolutely disgusting."

"But you haven't tried it."

"I haven't tried a lot of gross things," she deadpans.

"Fine. I'll make it for myself. Just don't come crying to me when you want a taste."

Her eyes flicker down to his lips.

"Stop that," he warns.

"Stop what?" she prompts innocently, then slowly lifts her eyes to meet his.

He narrows his eyes at her and steps closer to show her that he isn't backing down if she isn't, but she smirks and turns away from him.

"Come on, Castle, let's go get some ice cream."

* * *

"I hope you don't expect me to share the cookies."

"Oh, I think you will share." She looks at him as she unwraps the gum in her hand, smirking as she pops it into her mouth.

"You could try and convince me." He lifts an eyebrow in challenge.

She glares at him.

"You know yo-" he starts, but turns his head sharply at the sound of a car backfiring as it flies by the supermarket. Turning back to her, he finds her pressed against the concrete wall of the supermarket, her hands in fists at her sides. "Kate?"

She doesn't even register him as he steps to her side, her chest rising and falling in rapid progression.

"Kate, it's okay, it was just a car."

Her eyes meet his but they are unfocused, moving around too fast and her breathing is still labored.

"Hey, hey. It's okay, you're okay." He lifts a hesitant hand to her elbow, but she flinches when he touches her and he drops his hand again.

"Kate?" he asks when she averts her eyes, squeezing them shut.

"Tell me what to do? What can I do?" he asks, panicking, because she looks so pale.

She clinches her jaw, tries to slow her breathing and wraps her arms around herself, but she doesn't meet his eyes when she says, "I want to go home."

"Okay, okay. The car is over there."

He watches as she pushes herself off the wall, her body all rigid lines as she moves towards the car. He swallows down the fear and anger at how broken she is and moves to get in the car and get her home.

* * *

The moment they're back in the cabin, she mumbles something about taking a nap and excuses herself, leaving him standing there with a lost look in his eyes.

He gives her space. He knows that as much as he wants to hold her and make it okay, that's not the way she deals with things. So he busies himself with putting away the groceries and he spends the rest of the afternoon staring at his phone's screen, waiting for the browser to slowly load up search results on PTSD.

He decides to make them an early dinner since she hasn't eaten anything since breakfast. In fact, she hasn't even left her room and he is getting seriously worried.

He knocks softly on her door. "Kate?"

There is no answer.

He knocks again, a little louder. "Kate, please come have some dinner."

There is no answer again and he leans his forehead against the door frame. He doesn't know what to do, how to handle this Kate that crumbles, when all he knew was the one that doesn't flinch. Should he just leave her be or push and get her out of the haze of what just happened? He straightens when he hears the soft steps on the other side of the door before it clicks open.

"Hey, Castle." She smiles softly at him even through red-rimmed, watery eyes.

"Hey," he smiles wide at her. "I made dinner," he adds awkwardly.

She nods and walks ahead of him towards the kitchen.

"I hope stir fry and rice is fine?" he asks, trying to get her to talk to him.

"Yeah, thank you."

"Water?"

She nods, "I'll get it. Same for you?"

"Yes."

He knows he shouldn't talk about what he wants to talk about, but it feels wrong to just brush it aside. So they just eat in silence with him taking glances at her every few seconds as she pretends that she doesn't notice.

After dinner she helps him clear the dishes, keeping her distance from him and it makes him frown because it was so good having her close, even for a little while, and he can feel her slipping through his fingers.

She tells him she is going to take a shower and go to bed, that she will see him in the morning and he can't take it, this growing void between them.

He closes his eyes tightly and opens his mouth before she steps away from him, "Kate, I'm sorry if I pushed today with going to the supermarket. I didn't know you had PTSD." He already knows it's a mistake, but there is nothing else to do.

She tightens her jaw. She can feel the panic rising in her. This is exactly what she didn't, doesn't, want to talk about. "Castle," she warns, but her voice is low, the only way she can keep it even.

He swallows. He knew this wouldn't be the easiest conversation, but he takes a step towards her and tries to catch her eyes as he smiles assuredly at her. He then speaks in that placating tone she heard him use once or twice with Alexis. "Kate, after what happened, this is normal, you shouldn't fe-"

"Castle! I don't want to talk about this." She stares at him and feels the tears pricking her eyes all over again.

He stays silent for a second. "Kate, you're a cop! You need to get help. You can't get back to your job without fixing this, you will get yourself killed."

She averts her eyes from his because he just doesn't get it. He doesn't get that her being a cop is why she can't be what she is right now. Why it's that much worse.

He lifts his shoulders, defending himself against her silence, wets his lips and starts again. "You don't have to talk to me about this, but you should talk to someone."

She turns her back on him and faces the kitchen cabinets. She hates all of it, the tone of his voice, the way he's looking at her. It all makes her feel more shattered, when all she needs is to be able to pick up the pieces at her own pace, alone. She wants to be alone. "I can't do this," she whispers and turns back to face him, keeping her gaze fixed on the window behind him. She wraps her arms around herself, tugging the sleeves of her sweater over her fingers and fists the material.

"Kate?" he says, and there is something heavy that settles its self inside him, because he knows what she is saying, exactly where this is going.

"I'm sorry." She swallows, "I have t…I need to be on my own, deal with everything."

He takes a deep breath, "Don't push me away."

She wants to tell him that she isn't, but that would be just another lie.

"Listen, if it's time you need, I can wait, I have been waiting, Kate. We don't have to be anything now."

She won't ask him to wait. Not when her faith in herself is so wavering, because what if this is all she is from now on. All her life she was just a different kind of broken. "Castle, I can't."

And he hears the finality in her words. "So, this is it, Kate?" He doesn't know what else there is for him to say. She doesn't want him.

She bites her lip, willing the tears not to fall as she finally meets his eyes. God, what am I doing. "I'm sorry."

He nods and then looks around the kitchen. He doesn't want her eyes on his anymore. "I'll get my stuff and go. Take care of yourself," he says dejectedly.

She watches as he moves around the cabin, picking up what little he brought with him, like he is erasing himself from her life. She can't bear to watch it anymore, so she moves to sit on the steps of the back porch outside.

* * *

And then he is gone, but she stays on the steps for a while, long after the silence replaces the crunch of the gravel under the wheels of his car.

Hours pass before that familiar crunch startles her attempt at sleep and a blind kind of hope drowns her. She bolts out of bed towards the door, but the jingle of keys deflates her.

"Hi, Katie"

"Hey, Dad. What're you doing here?"

"Rick called, said I should be here. Is everything okay, Kate?"

* * *

 **Thank you adama-roslinlove for your patience 3**

Thank you to all the guest reviewers, I really appreciate the support 3 please keep them coming.

 **life's a mystery:** Thank you for the review! I'm glad you liked that, would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter.

: I know I know! Sorry! Not really :P I hope you like this one

 **LilyCaroline17** : Lol Loved that! This review definitely made me so giddy. Sorry it took so long to update.

 **TORONTOSUN:** I'm glad you like how the story is going. Hopefully you still think that after this chapter. Thank you for the review.

 **MRC83:** Thank you so much! I really appreciate that. I hope you continue to read this story 3

 **Docnerd89** : I absolutely love Rise fics! Thank you for the review, hope you liked this one.

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 **theputz913** : Thank you very much for the kind words, was tough writing that part. Sorry it took so long to update!

 **shellee3:** Thank you very much, I appreciate the review and sorry it took so long to update.

 **cruise1213** : Thanks for lighting a fire under me! I really appreciate it. Hope you liked this chapter.


	7. Chapter 7

"The rules you set are still untold to me…"

 **~ Ellie Goldberg**

 **Chapter Seven**

* * *

"Yes, Mother, it's not great, but there is nothing I can do. I don't want to have to keep convincing her to be with me, and I did everything short of beg her not to push me away. Again. If she won't see what we could be, what I could be for her. I just-"

"Maybe she is just going through a tough time now. I mean, the girl did get shot in the chest. You must know that she cares about you."

"Even if that's true, all I wanted was to help. In fact, I thought I was until suddenly it wasn't enough. She doesn't want me, that much I do know. I just think she made herself clear and I'm done."

His mother sighs, "I'm sorry, Kiddo, I wish I could fix this for you."

"Yeah, I know." But he knows there is nothing she can do; he is just not enough. Not for anyone, not for his dad, not Meredith, and certainly not Kate - _Running around with the school's funnies kid and it's not enough_. He knows he is being petty, but it stung how she pushed him aside without a second thought when he was walking on egg shells around her.

"Do you want me to come home? I can drive back tonight?" she asks.

"No, no, I think some time alone would do me some good."

"Okay, you call if you need anything."

"Will do. Have fun, Mother."

"You know I always do, Kiddo."

He groans, but smiles at his mother's antics.

* * *

"Kate Beckett! I can't believe you," her friend yells at her through the phone and she has to move the phone away from her ear for a second.

"Jeez, Lanie! Volume!"

"You deserve it. Coming back to the city without telling me, what the hell, Kate?"

"I just got here a week ago and how do you even know?"

"Javi told me and a week is bad enough."

"How does Javi know? Actually, never mind that. Sorry, Lanie, I really did just get here and was kind of busy settling back down."

"Aha. You're lucky I miss you."

She chuckles, "I miss you too, Lanie."

"So, how are you doing? I thought you were going to spend the rest of the summer up at your dad's cabin."

"Umm, yeah, I thought that too. I just wanted to get started on the physical therapy and a few other things."

"Kate?"

She sighs, "Listen, you on-call tomorrow morning? How about you come have breakfast with me and we'll catch up?"

"Okay." Lanie is silent for a second, "Kate, you're not chasing this thing again already, are you?"

Kate chews on her lower lip, "No, I'm not." Not yet.

"Okay, good. I'll bring breakfast."

"Okay, thanks. See you soon."

"See you."

She drops the phone on the cushion next to her and leans back against the back of the couch. She's been home for a week, but she finally feels like she is getting back a measure of control. She had made a list of the things she needed to do now that she was back in the city and now she could check one of them off. Talk to Lanie, check. She has to thank her dad for the tough love when she's done invading his life.

 _"Morning, Dad," she says timidly as she steps into the kitchen, still embarrassed about the way she broke down in front of him the night before. She didn't even tell him what happened, but he just hugged her to him and told her over and over again that it's all going to be okay, and she believed him just like she did when she was a little girl, despite everything she believed him._

 _He looks up at her from his seat at the table, "Morning, Katie." He waits her out, wanting to let her take the lead on this._

 _"Umm, did you have breakfast?"_

 _"Not yet, was waiting for you." He stands and moves to join her at the kitchen counter. "I did make coffee though, if you want some."_

 _"Yeah, thanks." She reaches for a mug, "Are eggs and toast okay?"_

 _"Yeah, let me help with that."_

 _They move about the kitchen, a comfortable silence between them as she organizes her thoughts. It reminds her of when she was still a teen and they would sometimes prepare dinner when her mom had a late night at the office, quietly just like this. Her mom was the animated one that always filled the silence with conversation and stories, but her dad and she were just fine to spend their time like this, lost in their own thoughts._

 _"So, how is work?" she asks between bites._

 _He smiles knowingly at her delay tactics. "It's good, been working on a few big cases lately, keeping me busy."_

 _"That's good. How's Uncle Jake?"_

 _"He's good, thinking of retiring actually."_

 _"Really?"_

 _"Yeah, he said something about a boat and fishing."_

 _She chuckles, "Yeah, that does sound like Uncle Jake." She looks at him thoughtfully, "You ever think about retiring?"_

 _"Me? No way. Waiting for a fish to bite? That's not me," he grins._

 _"Yeah," she nods. She's glad, she isn't sure free time would be a good idea. She misses her mom._

 _They go back to their silence again, but this time there is something heavy about it. She knows he is waiting for her to start; she is trying to measure her words but it's all a jumbled mess in her head._

 _"So, Katie, want to tell me what happened with Rick?"_

 _She swallows and sets her fork against her plate. "It's not really about Rick. I mean, yes, but he didn't do anything…" she trails off, not sure she is making any sense._

 _He gives her a questioning look._

 _"It was suddenly too much, Dad, having him here with me."_

 _"I thought you liked having him here. You sounded happy when we talked on the phone the other day."_

 _"I was, I really was. I mean I've had all this time up here to think and I missed him all the time, so I was so happy to see him when he came and we talked and he made it all better." She averts her eyes and pushes a lock of hair behind her ear, "But then we went to the store to get some groceries and we heard a car backfire and I thought it was a gun shot. I completely panicked."_

 _"Oh, Katie."_

 _"It was like I was right back there at the cemetery, on the ground with that searing pain and his voice in my ear and I just felt suffocated, like I couldn't escape any of it and he was there, just trying to help, but I couldn't, Dad. I-" She buries her head in her hands and mumbles, "I just don't want to be this."_

 _He looks at her and his heart twists, because she already had a lifetime worth of grief, some he even caused himself, and he wishes he could make it all go away, but it's no longer something he can solve with a trip to the ice cream store. He sighs, "Katie, look at me."_

 _She hesitates for a second before she runs a hand through her hair and finally looks at him._

 _"What are you going to do about it?" he asks sternly._

 _She narrows her eyes at him. "I don't know what to do, Dad," she whines, frustrated at his tone. "I just needed some space and then it all went wrong. You should've seen the look in his eyes."_

 _"You keep saying you want to be better, that you need space to be better, but you're just whining. You want to do it all on your own, well, this is what it looks like alone."_

 _"I-" she starts, wanting to defend herself, but she really doesn't know what to say. Her dad hasn't done the tough love thing with her in ages and it's throwing her off balance._

 _He sighs when she doesn't continue. "Listen, I know you care about Rick and I'm not really sure how close you guys really are," he says the last part pointedly and she blushes, "but I do know that he cares a great deal about you and I'm sure you can fix things with him if you tried. But, Rick or not, I think that the most important thing that you need to focus on is getting back to 100% again and from what you tell me, maybe you need help doing that. You can always talk to someone about what happened at the store. I'd hate to think of you going back to work with something like that over your shoulders," he hedges gently, not missing how she tenses at that._

 _"That's kind of what he said."_

 _"Well, I know you don't want to hear this right now, but he is right." She doesn't say anything and he has to suppress a smile at her stubbornness. Then he announces, "So, Katie, are you going to stop whining now?"_

* * *

"You know, Dad, you don't have to drive me around everywhere," she says a little annoyed, mostly at how exhausted she is.

"And how do you suggest going and coming back from PT?" he asks unfazed.

"I could take the subway."

He looks at her and notices how exhausted she must be if she is actually leaning against the wall a little bit. "Humor me," he says with a smile. "So, how was it?"

"It's still a bit tough, but I think I'm getting there. At least that's what Roger keeps telling me."

"That's good. Don't push, Kate, you'll get there, you know you will," he says as they move towards the exit.

"Hey, Dad."

"Yeah?"

"Thank you." She continues at his questioning gaze, "I don't know how I would have done any of this without you."

He grins at her, his smile wrinkling the corners of his eyes. "You got it."

After a moment of silence, he says, "So, up for some ice cream?"

* * *

He hears his phone ringing from somewhere in the living room as he leaves the bathroom, sprinting towards it before he misses the call.

"Hey man."

"Esposito! Let me guess, you and Ryan are helpless for some wild theories."

Esposito scoffs, "In your dreams."

Castle laughs at that, "It's good to hear from you."

"Same. Listen, Ryan and I are going to go meet up with Beckett and Lanie later for some drinks, want to meet us?"

She is back.

"Castle? You with me?"

"Ah, yes. Sorry, but I have a thing with Alexis tonight," he lies. Half a lie really, he is planning on staying home and Alexis may be here.

"Okay. Let me know if you change your mind. Madden soon?"

"Sure thing." He pinches the bridge of his nose, "Listen, Espo, if Kate's back in tow-"

"Don't worry about it," he interrupts, "we've had a detail on her father's place for a month now. We had to push hard for it, Gates wasn't happy."

"Okay, okay. That's good. Wait, she's been back a month?" he slips. Damn.

"Uhh, yeah, you guys aren't talking?"

"Not exactly," he really doesn't want to get into this. "Hey, if you guys are going to the Old Haunt, tell Mike drinks are on the house."

"Thanks, I'll see you around."

"See you." He drops the phone on the couch and shuffles back to his bedroom to get dressed.

She is back. There is a swirl of feelings at that, which he won't even begin to dissect.

* * *

"Beckett, over here."

She sees Ryan wave at her from the booth at the end of the bar; the bar is blissfully not as packed as it could be. She's been doing better with crowds, but she still isn't sure about tonight being a good idea. Unfortunately, Lanie insisted. "Hey Ryan," she grins at her friend who is standing to greet her and she squeezes him in a tight hug. "It's really good to see you guys again."

"Same, Beckett. Hasn't been the same without you."

"Yeah, I'm sure you and Espo have wreaked havoc without me in the precinct by now." She nudges him playfully.

"Believe me, we tried to enjoy your absence." He chuckles when she glares at him, "But Gates is kind of intense."

Before she asks him about that whole situation, Espo and Lanie are coming towards them, each holding a couple of drinks.

"Hey girl, you finally made it," Lanie says as she envelopes Kate in a hug. "It's good to see you out with us again," she whispers to her friend and she feels Kate tightening her arms around her in response.

"Kate Beckett, it's been way too long," Espo tells her sternly before his face breaks into that cheeky smile of his and he opens his arms for her.

She chuckles and hugs him, "It's good to see you again, Javi."

They settle in their booth and Espo slides a beer towards her, "You good to drink?"

"Yeah, not too much though."

He shrugs. "So, when will you be back at the twelfth?"

"About two weeks. Already got cleared," she says excitedly.

"It'll be good to have you back," Lanie says, "been dealing with these two bickering for way too long."

She laughs at that.

"So, I was telling Beckett here about our lovely Captain Victoria," Ryan tells Espo.

His partner just scoffs at that.

"Come on, guys, she can't be that bad." She takes a sip of her beer, savoring the chilly liquid.

"Oh, she's going to love you," Ryan says while grinning.

She doesn't miss the glee in his voice, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Face it, Beckett, you don't exactly enjoy authority and Gates is a micro manager. Everything has to be according to regulation," Ryan tells her, mockingly waving an admonishing finger at her.

She just rolls her eyes and states calmly, "She'll like me just fine."

Espo turns to Ryan, "Ten bucks says they knock heads on her first day back."

"Hey, I'm right here!"

Ryan chuckles and she smiles at them. It's really been a long time and she missed them. Having her friends around her again made her feel so much better instantly. Now she just needs Castle.

"She even kicked Castle out of the precinct."

Kate stiffens in her seat at his name. She knows that the boys invited him. Lanie had already warned her he might be here and as scared as she was to face him again, she wanted nothing more than to see him, be near him again, but he wasn't here and the boys haven't mentioned him. Until now. She can see Lanie glaring at Ryan from beside her and the poor guys are squirming under her gaze. She also doesn't miss the piercing way Espo is looking at her.

"You never know, maybe he will decide to come back…" she says softly, not sure if it's more for her benefit or theirs.

He just has to come back.

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry you guys I know this chapter has a bit of angst, but its part of the process, we are getting there.**

 **As always thank you adama-roslinlove, for all your amazing effort to help me make this story better.**

2.0Always47: Thank you and sorry if it's still angsty, getting there, promise.

devildog3479: sorry for the delay, but next one in a couple of days, already done.

cruise1213: Thank you for that, was nervous writing about PTSD, wanted to get it right. Thanks for the review

life's a mystery: sigh, hopefully the resolution of this will be what you hope for. Thank you for the review, always appreciate them.

Hardrock999: Sorry it took forever, will be posting another one soon though

philliesfan1000: our reviews make me giddy 3 I hope you keep enjoying the story, I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

gostopow: I hope I don't disappoint, thank you for reviewing and I world love to hear what you thought about this chapter.

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Madelynn one: Welcome aboard! Thank you for taking the time to read and review, I really appreciate it

Chelypdj: thank you for reading and sorry it took long t update, next one in a couple of days, promise.

TORONTOSUN: I hope this one didn't disappoint thank you for the constant support 3

lb: thank for the kind words, I hope you liked this one as well.

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 **Thank you to all the guest reviewers, I really appreciate it all your support, please do leave me names to reply directly. 3**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

* * *

She must've been standing outside his door for a good fifteen minutes now. Thankfully his door man remembered her and ushered her right in, because for a second she was scared he would call Castle and he would send her away. She's also glad she decided to forgo the coffee she was planning on bringing on the way here, that olive branch would have been cold by now. Going over the bullet points of all the things she wants to say to him one more time in her head, she realizes she could stand here forever.

She takes a deep breath, gathers the fluttering of courage, and finally manages to knock on the door. A small part of her wishes that no one would answer the door and she could just leave. No such luck though, because it only takes a few seconds before he opens the door and she watches his eyes widen at her.

"Kate…" he says dumbly, but then he is immediately distracted by the voice coming from the phone he's still holding against his ear. "Alexis, honey, I'm going to have to call you back in a bit."

She clasps her fingers tightly together in front of her. "Hi, Castle," she says, managing to pull off a not too awkward smile.

He is staring, he knows he is, but he can't help it. She is at his door and she looks good, better now that the color is back in her, a little bit tan even. Gorgeous.

She clears her throat because his gaze is unnerving her and she already feels like she can't take it. She needs him to look somewhere else so she can regroup.

"Ah. Hi."

"Can I come in?" she asks weakly, hating that she has to ask now, like she lost her place with him. She probably did.

"Yes," he replies, stepping aside in invitation.

"Thanks," she whispers as she passes him.

He turns to face her after closing the door, finally managing to get his wits about him again. "So, you're back in the city?" he asks, because he really doesn't know what else he can say.

He shakes his head before she has a chance to answer, "Sorry, can I get you something to drink?"

"Umm, sure."

He waits her out, and she realizes he is waiting for her to tell him what she would like. She bites her lips, wants to tell him coffee, the way he makes it for her, the way he used to at the precinct. "Water?" She isn't sure why it's a question.

He walks to the kitchen and she follows him, sitting at one of the high chairs as he moves to stand on the other side of the island; she notices the space he is putting between them.

He places the water bottle in front of her and she holds it between her hands, tracing the ridges of the bottle with her thumbs. "I've been back in the city a little over a month now." She gestures to where they were standing seconds ago, letting him know she is answering his question from before.

His head pops twice in a nod as he places his palm against the flat counter, sliding it against the surface, his arm extended away from him to the side and her eyes flicker to how his hands is tightly gripping the edge of the counter.

Faced with his wall of silence, she is rattled and all the things that she wanted to say, that were so clear in her head, that she made into freakin' bullet points and memorized, are now all faded into a few needy sentences that she can't even bring herself to say.

She realizes he is watching her just like always, and it is strangely comforting; it makes her a little brave. "I actually got back just a few days after you left the cabin." She realizes it was the wrong way to say that because his eyes flash darkly. "I wanted to apologize. The way we left things, I-"

"The way _you_ left them, Kate," he interrupts coolly. The anger is all bottled up, but she can feel it all under the surface of his calm words and she can see it in the way he sets his jaw.

She averts her eyes for a second before meeting his angry ones again, "Yes. You're right. I'm sorry, Castle, you didn't deserve that."

He nods again and she sighs.

"No, Castle, I really am," she says, her tone incessant. "I also wanted to say thank you, for calling my dad, that was..." she trails off as she feels the emotion rising in her, "It was more than I deserved." She watches him as he closes his eyes, as if he is trying to keep her words away, not to let her in and it hurts. _God, is this how she made him feel?_

"Castle?" she calls softly and then averts her eyes when he meets them again. "Say something."

"I don't know what you want me to say, Kate."

"You're angry." _Say anything, Castle_.

He huffs and pushes off the counter. "You're damn right, I'm angry. I was just trying to help and you-" he crosses his arms over his chest and leans back against the kitchen sink, taking a calming breath. "I would've never done that to you."

"I know," she says weakly, because he is right, he would never treat her like she treated him. She moves around the kitchen island to stand in front of him and it takes him a few seconds to meet her eyes, it's so hard with her so close and it's even harder when she starts softly, "I'm so sorry, Castle. I couldn't handle it, it felt like I was drowning and I just needed to get a handle on things."

She hates that it all sounds like an excuse, so she continues, hoping that he will believe her. "I was always in control, Castle, it had to be that way, the only way I knew how to navigate my life after my mom, and then suddenly I didn't have control over anything. Nothing. Royce and Montgomery were gone, and I was this weak, broken thing and just when I thought I was getting back to myself, you got to see how I'd never be that person that you-" she stops herself from saying it, swallowing when he doesn't say anything. "I just wanted to explain, let you know that I'm working on it, that I-"

"What do you want from me, Kate?" He runs a hand down his face, his voice tired when he interrupts her.

"I want you to be my partner again." She chews her lips in hesitation, "I want you to come back to the twelfth."

He looks up at her sharply.

"I'm going back to work in a few days and, Castle, I'd really like it i-"

"Why do you even want me there? For what?" he asks frustrated because she just wants him to ignore it all like nothing happened. Like every time before and he just can't do that.

"To be my partner," she repeats weakly.

"I'm sorry, Kate, I can't do that. I can't play this game again." He shakes his head and starts softly because even now he doesn't want to hurt her, not like this. "Look, Kate, I'm really glad you're doing better, you look really good, but I can't go back."

* * *

"Well, look who decided to show her face around here again."

She smirks at the desk sergeant, "Hello to you too Serg., I see you're still as charming as ever."

"Be grateful, all of us here suffering while you're off lazing around?"

"Oh yeah? Want me to shoot you so you get to laze around as well? You just say the word."

He chuckles, "Good to have you back, Beckett."

"Thank you, Serg."

It feels strange being here again after all this time; she had never left the precinct for this long before. Once she steps onto the homicide floor, she barely makes it to her desk before Ryan announces to the bullpen that she is officially back and then she is crowded into hugs and greetings. After a long while, she finally reaches her desk and drops her bag on the floor by her desk.

"Coffee?" asks Espo as he leads the way to the break room without waiting for her answer.

He starts operating the coffee machine in silence and she can see Ryan on the phone through the glass of the break room, "Jenny?"

"Yes! And now it's all flower arrangements and napkins and god knows what. Man, it's hell being stuck in a car with him."

She stifles a laugh at her friend's frustration.

He offers her one of the mugs in his hand. "Castle?" He tries to make it a casual question. Unfortunately, it's anything but.

She just shakes her head softly and turns to look through the glass, watching as Ryan heads towards them, off the phone now.

Ryan tucks his phone into his jacket as he smiles at her, his blue eyes twinkling, "It's really great having you back, Beckett."

"Thanks, Kevin," she smiles and looks at Espo smirking at him, "How is the wedding planning going?"

"You had to ask." Espo turns away from them and sips at his coffee, but Ryan manages to glare at him.

"Really good. Jenny is really excited, but holy shit that stuff is expensive."

"Oh yeah."

They both give her a look.

"What? I have other friends than you guys."

There is a moment of silence.

She takes a deep breath and sets her coffee on the table in the middle of the break room. "So?"

"So?" Espo repeats.

"Come on, we had a deal Javi. I said I'd leave it alone until I got back and I didn't ask any questions, I even let you put a detail on my dad's place and then on mine. You said you would loop me in first thing." She stares him down stubbornly, "So loop me in."

They look at each other, then Ryan starts reluctantly, "Um, Beckett, the Captain kind of shut it down."

"What?"

"When it had been months and no real leads turned up, she pulled the resources from it," Ryan adds, looking at his partner for help.

"Why didn't you tell me this before?" she hisses.

"It happened after we talked and Castle wa- I thought that Castle might've mentioned it, but that was before I-" Espo trails off.

She exhales a breath loudly and then turns to look through the glass at the Captain's office, "I guess we have one more thing to talk about."

"Beckett."

She turns to look at Ryan questioningly.

"The files on the last lead we had."

"Yeah?" she asks impatiently.

"They're with Castle."

Shit. She runs a hand through her hair and asks softly, "Why?"

"He was looking into a few things when Gates shut it down and while we couldn't keep looking into it, he still could, so he took the files and kept at it. You're going to have to talk to him if you want those files."

Fuck.

* * *

The day is really not going her way so far. She takes a calming breath, because it really wouldn't do to start things off badly with her captain. Walking to the captain's office, she can't help but think that it will always be Montgomery's office. She shakes her head at herself, she really shouldn't start that.

She knocks twice on the door. The woman at her desk has her head buried in the papers scattered across the desk and she doesn't even look up, just waves her in.

"Good morning, Ma'am. Detecti-"

"Sir," she interrupts calmly, still not looking up.

"What?"

The woman looks up at her, "You can call me Sir or Captain."

"Okay, Sir," she says a little sharply as she places her paperwork on the desk in front of the Captain. She is already ticked off and this woman is seriously not helping, "I'm Detective Beckett, reporting for reinstatement."

"Beckett, your reputation precedes you, youngest woman in the NYPD to make detective. Beat me by six weeks." And there is a small smile there.

She is a bit startled by the turn of conversation, "I didn't realize people kept score."

"Oh, everyone keeps score, Detective, especially those downtown," she replies, looking back at her with an appraising gaze. "You'll see soon enough."

She isn't sure what to make of that.

"Welcome back, Detective Beckett." She nods at the papers in her hand and then hands Beckett her badge.

"Thank you, Sir."

The captain sits back at her desk and realizes that Detective Beckett is still standing in front of her. "Yes, Detective?"

"My gun, Sir."

"Did you get re-qualified?"

"No…" she trails off. Seriously?

The Captain shrugs at her, "You can have it after you get re-qualified."

Kate presses her lips together. "How about my case?"

"Your case?"

She sets her jaw, "My shooting."

"Yes." And she can see that the woman at least has the grace to soften her tone. "We had to pull back the resources on it. There have been no leads for a long time now and the precinct's load was piling up."

"I'd like to open it again."

"You want to investigate your own shooting?"

"Yes."

There is a moment of silence while the Captain stares at her and it's a little unnerving. She can now see the authority in the woman for the first time since she stepped into her office.

"That kind of thing does not happen in _my_ precinct. Am I clear?" she says with finality.

It takes her a few seconds to answer, "Crystal." And as if that wasn't bad enough, just as she's turning to leave she hears Gates call after her.

"Detective?"

"Yes, Sir?" she replies calmly.

"I've let Mr. Castle know that he will no longer be assisting the department. I trust that won't be a problem?"

Yeah, she really doesn't like this woman. "No, Sir, I don't think that will be a problem."

She leaves the office seething, but manages to close the door behind her quietly when she really just wants to slam it. She finds Ryan and Espo staring at her.

"So?" they ask in union.

"She won't give me my gun back and she won't let me open up the case again." She sets her jaw in a stubborn streak that the boys haven't seen in a while.

"You're not letting this go, are you?" asks Espo as Ryan steps away to take a call.

"No, Espo, I'm not. There is someone out there who wants me dead and I'm not just going to sit around and wait anymore."

He sighs.

"Got it," Ryan interrupts as he steps close again.

"Flower arrangements?" she asks petulantly.

"No," he glares at her, "a body, you in?"

"No, I…" she pulls her chair, "I'll hang back on this one."

"Beckett, listen, just get the files from Castle and we will make a game plan, okay? We got your back, but we have to be very quiet about it." He glances to Gates' office, "I kind of need this job, those flowers aren't going to pay for themselves."

She can't help the smile that forms, "Okay, fine."

Espo looks at her skeptically.

"I'll wait for you," she repeats, and she means it. She'll take whatever help she can get.

Ryan nods at Espo to get going.

She sighs as she watches them leave. Now she has to go talk to Castle. Again.

Shit.

* * *

 **Thank you adama-roslinlove for all your work on this story**

gostopow: Yep, definitely the angst will be still going for a couple of chapters, but hopefully that's all of it It always annoyed me too Castle being a pushover, I hope I can have the right balance. Thank you for the review, would love to know what you thought of this chapter.

Trude: Thank you for your review, I really appreciate it. Would love to hear what you thought about this chapter.

MaryFan1: That you for the review and the feedback, I really appreciate it. Please keep the coming

BK: Thank you very much and thank you for the review.

Norman01: Thank you for the feedback I really appreciate it, it helps me make decisions on where to take this. I hope this chapter gives a little resolution to your concerns, but they still have to work on getting back to themselves, I hope you like the future chapters thanks again for the review.

bponder: Thank you very much for the kind words, I hope this chapter does a little justice for Castle. Thanks for the review and please keep them coming.

life's a mystery: I hope you like this chapter, really looking forward to your feedback. Thank you for your constant support.

TORONTOSUN: Thank you very much, I really appreciate it. Always love reading your reviews.

philliesfan1000: Thank you very much for the reviews of both chapter, always love reading yours. I hope you liked this chapter and yes the angst of them both dealing with their own insecurities and histories, while I do enjoy this heavy emotional side, I'm also looking forward for the lightness that I know that they can be.

Manxkid: Welcome aboard and thank so much for the kind words. I'm really glad you like the twist looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this chapter.

AB221: Welcome aboard and your review made me so happy, I've always loved finding good Castle stories and reading the whole thing in one sitting so I'm very grateful that this story does the same fore you. I hope you like how this is going. The next chapter may take a bit longer, but hopefully not too long depending on my work. Thanks again for the review.

Chelypdj: Thank you for the review, this is the fastest I've updated I think lol. Unfortunately, I think the next one might take a bit longer, will d my best to get it up here ASAP.

Guest Reviewer no. 1: I apologize that I can't address this to you personally, I hope this chapter begins bringing things back into the balance. Thank you for reviewing!

Guest Reviewer no. 2: I apologize that I can't address this to you personally, I hope that this chapter and moving forward brings them back into balance, because things now are not great for Castle, the situation is just messy for them. Sorry for the confusion about the summery, I did change the outline for the story a couple of times but they were always going to end back in the city, I just didn't see them resolving their issues back at the cabin, they needed more time. I'll change the summery to reflect the story more accurately, it was not my intention to mislead anyone, however this is where my story will be going, angst included.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

* * *

The boys had been out of the precinct all day investigating the case and she had been desperately looking for something to do to distract her from the conversation she was supposed to have with Castle in a few hours. After re-qualifying to get her gun back and helping Espo and Ryan on some of the paperwork they needed, it was time to face the music. That is how she ends up sitting in her car, parked in front of his building feeling strangely stalker-ish. She huffs at her thoughts and pushes the car door open.

 _"So, how did it go?" Lanie asks two seconds after stepping into her apartment._

 _"It didn't," she says with finality, crossing her arms because she doesn't want to go through her conversation with Castle._

 _"You didn't go see him?"_

 _"No, I did. He just doesn't want to-" she trails off, feeling the tears pricking her eyes and she really doesn't want to start that again either._

 _"You know, Kate, maybe he just needs some time. He's been through a lot too…" her friend says softly._

 _"I know." She takes a deep breath, "I'm just- What if this is it?" She shrugs her shoulders, "What if I missed my chance and he's just done. God, Lanie, it was so awkward. I don't even know how to start a conversation with him anymore."_

 _Her friend sighs, "Okay, let's just give it time."_

 _"I asked him to come back to the precinct. I just thought that would help us find our rhythm again, but he said he is done with that."_

 _"Well, I know it's not really your style, but you might have to do the pushing on this one."_

She knows she was supposed to give him time, not to keep showing up uninvited, and now she has to ask him for the files and see the disappointment on his face. Right down the rabbit hole again.

In the elevator she tries to desperately think of a way to start that conversation, but nothing comes to mind, nothing that doesn't make her see the dimmed blue of his eyes and she just wants to get it over with. She knocks softly and then tucks her hands in the pockets of her leather jacket to stop from fidgeting. She knocks again, a little louder. When there is no answer, she thinks that maybe no one is home and that she'll have to come back, but before she can turn away she hears shuffling from the other side of the door. The door opens and a sleep disheveled Castle meets her, his hair sticking at odd angles just like it did at the cabin, and her eyes travel down the open front of his robe to the white t-shirt and blue pajama pants he is wearing underneath.

"Beckett?" he asks, his voice confused and laced with sleep as he runs a hand through his hair.

"Umm, hey Castle." She looks at her watch, "Sorry, I didn't realize you'd be sleeping."

"Yeah, I was up all night editing. What are you doing here?" Fortunately, his words are not harsh, just confused.

She tucks her hands in her jacket again. "I need to talk to you, can I come in?" She hates that this seems to lead exactly to their conversation from the other day.

He steps back and lets her in, closing the door and heading directly to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. He feels like he will need it. "So?" he asks as he moves around to grab a couple of mugs.

I guess no small talk then. At least he is not objecting to my being here. She purses her lips in contemplation as she comes to stand by the kitchen island, "I went back to the precinct today."

He stops what he is doing to look at her when she doesn't continue. "I hope it went well," he states and it's clear he doesn't want to discuss this any further.

She knows she should just ask for the files and leave, give him time, come back without the possibility of her shooting and mother's case making things harder, but she can't let it go. She wants so bad to move them from this tethered state they are in. "It didn't go well, Castle. It's not the same without you."

"Kate," he warns her, "I don't want to talk about this again."

"Okay, then I'll talk," she insists, and she has to stop herself from moving towards him. "I hurt you, Rick, and I'm so sorry that I made you feel like you didn't matter because you do. I wish I knew how to undo that. I wish I was the kind of person who would just let you in and I understand that we need time to be m-"

"I can't go back," he states resolutely, hands in fists, because all he wants to do right now is hug her to him and let the rest of his anger seep out. He just wants her; he just doesn't trust that she won't push him away again.

She hears the desperate tone her voice takes when she asks, "Do you need time? Because I ca-" She trails off when he averts his eyes from hers. She takes a deep breath, feeling the anger and stubbornness brewing in her. "Well, you didn't let go when I pushed you away so I'm not going to now." And this time there is no desperation, just resolution.

He stays silent at that, a little startled by the change in her, the change in her eyes. He watches her take a seat at one of the high chairs and he quirks an eyebrow.

"I have something else I wanted to talk to you about."

"Okay?" He turns to pour the coffee and hands her a mug.

She wraps her palms around the mug, letting the warmth seep through. "I talked to Espo and Ryan about the shooting investigation."

Of course he knew she would jump into it the moment she was back, but it still doesn't settle the panic at the thought of her doing this, no matter how many times he tells himself he is done. "I thought Gates shut it down?"

"She did and she won't let me re-open it."

"But you're going to go ahead anyway." It's not a question.

She can see the disappointment that she feared shining at her, so she looks down at the mug between her hands. "I'm not doing it alone, Espo and Ryan are helping."

And he wonders what happened, between her panic back at the store's parking lot and this moment here. Is she back to her blind fearlessness? Or is this just her blindly pushing her limits? He can't bring himself to ask her if she dealt with any of it at all. "Be careful," is all he offers instead. He feels like he is failing her like this, not having her back, because he started it all and while she was the one to push him away, it still feels like he is abandoning her.

"I will. I am."

He sighs because it's all too familiar.

"Castle," she starts again, because she would like to get this over with, the way he is watching her, like he knows she's barely in control. "The boys said you have some of the case files. I need them."

His eyes widen at that. Realization sets in and all the anger that was fading away is now flaring back. He straightens his spine. "So, this is why you're really here? The files?" he asks calmly.

The coldness of his tone startles her. "No, wait, that's no-" she starts, but he is already moving towards his office and she is right behind him.

She watches him yank at his desk drawer before he drops a thick folder on the edge of the desk. "Okay, Kate, here are your files."

"Castle," she begins, her tone a little sharper than she intended, "you know this is not the only reason I'm here. You know it's more."

"I'm not sure what I know, Kate."

She doesn't want to cry in front of him, so she swallows her anger and starts calmly, "Rick, I was here a few days ago, before I even knew about any of this," she stabs a finger angrily at the folder on his desk, "and nothing I said then or today had anything to do with it, but you can't expect me to let this go. I can't live my life looking over my shoulder. I'm going to find him, Castle."

He feels all her anger in the way she is looking at him, the tears in her eyes, and despite the guilt he feels at his overreaction, he doesn't know how to back out of this and it just makes him stubborn. He shrugs and nods at the file, "Okay, Kate, it's yours."

She needs to get out of here, his indifference is suffocating her, and so without a word she grabs the folder off the desk and leaves his office. The loft's door swings open just when she is about to reach for the door handle and she quickly steps back to avoid being hit by the door. "Whoa!" She is greeted by another set of blue eyes. Her hand tightens around the folder, but she smiles sincerely at the redhead. "Hey Alexis," she says, and then ducks her head to hide the tears behind the curtain of her hair.

"Detective Beckett. What's wro-?" the girl stops mid question when her dad steps out of his office, not looking too good either.

Kate can hear his footsteps behind her. "I'm sorry, Alexis, I got to go, it was really nice seeing you again." She rushes past the girl.

"Umm, okay," Alexis manages to say before the detective takes a turn at the corner of the hallway and disappears. She turns to her dad again, still standing at the same spot, "Dad, what happened? Is she okay?"

He nods at her, but the frown is still on his face.

* * *

"Morning, Pumpkin," he says, kissing the top of his daughter's head. He then turns to his mother and greets her, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Morning, Kiddo," she looks up from the script in her hands, "I hear you had a visitor last night."

He looks sharply at his daughter, who blushes a little but holds his stare.

"Don't look at me like that. You didn't tell me anything last night so I had to ask Gram if she knew anything. What was Detective Beckett doing here, Dad? You're not going back, are you?"

"Relax, I'm not. She just needed to get something."

"You're not?" his daughter asks, surprised.

"No," he assures her, and he can see the assessing look his mother is shooting his way from the corner of his eyes and he knows that's not the end of this conversation, at least not where his mother is concerned.

"Is she going to be okay?" she asks now that she knows that he won't be going back.

"Alexis, can we please not talk about this anymore?"

She narrows her eyes at him, trying to understand what this is about, before she agrees, "Okay."

"Now, more importantly, who would like to go to Comicadia with me this afternoon, check out the new Derek Storm graphic novel?" He wiggles his eyebrows.

"Sorry, Kiddo, I'm meeting a few students at the studio and let's face it, it's not exactly my scene."

He smiles at her, "Alexis?"

"Sure, Dad."

"See? Someone still cares," he says pointedly at his mother.

* * *

"How do I know you're not a part of it?" he asks into the phone.

"Why do you think she is still alive?" the man challenges. "Listen, Mr. Castle, I'm not exactly happy with this arrangement, but I owed Roy Montgomery and I'll honor my word."

"How are you keeping her safe?"

"Roy gave me some files as leverage against the people involved in this, but let me worry about the details, you just need to make her stop before it's out of my hands. Good day, Mr. Castle."

Before he can object, the line is dead. He throws the phone down on his desk and slumps down in his chair, scrubbing a hand down his face. "Damn, Kate, what are you doing."

He sits there for fifteen minutes, trying to think through the panic and the images of her dead in his arms again. He feels the same weight he felt when her dad visited him, asking him to keep her safe, wrap itself around his heart, squeezing. He knows it's on him to make her stop, again.

The click of his mother's heels as she steps into his office startles him and he turns his chair towards her.

"Richard, what's wrong?" she asks at the lost boy look that's plastered all over his face.

He stays silent for a second, debating the wisdom of telling her about the call, but it doesn't take him very long because he needs to talk to someone about it, and he knows he can always trust his mother. "I just got a call from a man who says he was a friend of Montgomery's."

"Okay," she says slowly as she steps to stand in front of his desk.

"He says that Roy contacted him and made a deal with him before he died to keep Kate safe, and that he can only do that so long as she doesn't investigate her mother's case."

"He isn't doing a very good job. The girl was shot by a sniper for god's sake."

He lifts a hand to stop her. "I know, he says he only got Roy's message from Roy after she was shot, and now she is supposed to be safe."

"Okay, then that's a g-"

"Mother, she started investigating it all again." He stands and starts pacing the floor. "Yesterday she was here to get some damn case files from me. She isn't safe at all."

His mother paces the space in front of his desk for a moment. "You don't know who this man really is. You have to warn her," she says sternly, because she knows what her son is about to do.

"And tell her what? I got a call from a mystery man and she should stop? She will just take it as a lead and jump right in. You don't know how she is with this case."

She sighs, "You're going back, aren't you?" There is no judgment in the way she says it, no reprimand, just sympathy.

"I- I don't know what else to do." He comes to stand before her, "If I don't, she's going to die. They're going to kill her and it's all going to be because I pushed her to do this in the first place."

"This is not your fault," she says, but she knows it falls on deaf ears. He's been tied up in knots with guilt ever since the shooting. "Do you think she will even listen to you?"

He swallows thickly because he doesn't think she will, at least not judging by past experience. "I have to try…"

"And if she doesn't?" his mother insists with a lift of her eyebrow.

He clenches his jaw, "I don't know, Mother." He runs a hand down his face, "I don't know. But I do know that I can't stand by and watch her die again."

His mother takes his hand and squeezes, "Okay then, what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to call a friend."

* * *

Thank you everyone for reading and supporting this story and a big thank you to **adama-roslinlove** for all your time and work.

Trude: Thank you so much for your review! I totally agree about Castle and have always loved the Gates-Castle situation on the show. I hope you liked this chapter, would love to hear your thoughts.

MaryFan1: Thank you for the review, I hope this chapter didn't disappoint!

BK: Umm Thanks? ;)

Guest reviewer no.1: Thank you for the review all the same. For me Kate isn't the out right groveling type, there are reasons for her reluctance in bearing her soul and that doesn't just go away. I've always felt like these issues would be resolved, like much for them, through subtext or showing up again and being there for each other. I can't see a balanced relationship between them with Castle and Beckett that's borne out of some groveling, from either of them. Thank you very much for the feedback! Hope you keep reading.

gostopow: Thank you so much for your review and kind words, hope you liked this chapter would love to hear your thoughts and I'm sorry it took so long to post this.

TORONTOSUN: Thank you very much ^_^ I hope you liked this chapter as well.

Swordwriter: Thank you for your review all the same.

MRC83: Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate your feedback. I hope I can keep that balance for the coming chapters as well. looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

life's a mystery: I have to say you're the first to sympathize with Kate in this story and I kinda love it, I hope you liked this chapter

Norman01: Thank you for the review and the feedback, It's really appreciated, I hope this chapter helped clarify things regarding the characters, would love to hear your thoughts.

AB221: Welcome aboard and thank you for the review. I hope you liked this chapter!

MaineZoe: Thank you for reading and reviewing, sorry it took a while.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

* * *

She is looking through a set of files on their current case, trying to catch up with the boys, when a cup of coffee is dropped on her desk. Her eyes widen at the familiar cardboard cup and her head snaps up to see him standing next to her desk.

"Castle," she blurts out.

"Good afternoon, Beckett," he says, managing a smile.

She narrows her eyes at him before glancing down at the cup of coffee on her desk. _What the hell?_ She is about to ask him what is going on when the rattle of a door slamming against a wall startles the entire bullpen.

"Mr. Castle. My office _right now_ ," Gates' voice booms from behind him.

She watches with wide eyes as he grimaces and then turns to walk towards the Captain's office.

"You too, Beckett!" Gates yells again as she retreats to her office.

She stands and catches up to him. "What did you do?" she hisses at him. _Would he have told Gates she was still investigating the case?_

He just gives her a look she can't decipher as he gestures for her to go through the door before him and she glares at him. Castle closes the door behind him and moves to stand next to her in front of Gates' desk. They watch her as she watches them. She shifts her gaze to Castle and then leans back in her chair. Kate glances at Castle from the corner of her eyes and he has that smug look on his face that she knows Gates must absolutely hate.

"So, Mr. Castle, I got a phone call just a few minutes ago," Gates starts, calmness infused in her voice. She looks at Beckett next, "Care to explain, Detective? I thought you said this wouldn't be a problem." She gestures between the two of them with her finger.

"Ahh… I'm not su-" Kate begins.

"She doesn't know about any of this. It's my decision to come back," he interrupts as he clasps his hands in front of him and ignores the way Beckett's head seems to snap towards him as he continues to stare back at Gates.

"Your decision," Gates repeats with a glare as she leans forward in her chair. "Oh, you must think you're so clever, Mr. Castle. What we do here is not a game or a show for your entertainment. So, here's the thing, I'm going to be watching and the second you make a mistake, and we both know you will, you better get out of my precinct before I have to say a word."

Castle swallows, a little thrown at the way she speaks to him. He honestly thought the call from Bob would make her back off.

"Do I make myself clear?" She narrows her eyes at him until he nods. Then she turns to the detective standing next to him who seems a little lost at their exchange, "And you, Detective, you better watch him. If he embarrasses me or this department, it's on you. Now, both of you get out of my office."

Castle closes the door behind them but then he's immediately being dragged by the elbow and is then shoved into an observation room, the door slamming against the frame.

"What the hell, Castle?"

"What?" he asks in annoyance as he rubs his elbow as if she hurt him.

"Castle," she warns calmly, "this is my job and what you just pulled in the-"

"I thought you wanted me to come back?" he interrupts.

She is taken aback by that for a second. Yes, she did and she was momentarily surprised when she saw that cup of coffee on her desk, but that was before the whole Gates thing and this feels like a joke. She can't possibly have imagined their conversation last night. And now he is bringing her coffee? "And I thought you said you didn't want to come back?" she fires back.

He squares his shoulders and tugs on the lapels of his jacket. "Well, maybe it's not about you anymore, maybe I want to help catch murderers," he says defiantly, though it's not a total lie. He does miss the sense of purpose that comes with doing something good, making this world a little better.

She watches him for a moment because she is not buying the sudden, and swift, change of heart. And then it clicks. "You're here because of the case," she says, and her heart sinks a little because he isn't here because he wants to be.

"Yes." He knows she would have figured it out, "But I do also miss being helpful working with the team."

"Castle, you don't have to be involved in it. I told you it's not why I-" she begins, her tone softer now.

"You wanted me to come back to the twelfth so here I am. It's not a big deal, Kate, we can just work together."

"No."

"No?"

"No, we won't just work together, you're my partner," she says stubbornly and then turns and leaves him standing there. Okay, so maybe it's not ideal and he is still mad and he is being an ass about it, but he is back.

He steps out from the observation room a moment after her, sees she is heading to the break room and so he walks to the boys' desks, where they are currently talking as they watch the break room. "Hey guys."

"Hey Castle," Ryan greets as he stands from behind his desk, heading towards Castle. "What just happened?"

"Yeah, are you back?" Espo joins with a quirked eyebrow.

"Yeah, I am," he replies, choosing to pass on Ryan's question.

"Everything okay?" Espo nods towards the break room.

"Yeah, just Gates. You know…"

They both nod.

"Finally, order is restored." Ryan smiles when Kate finally joins their little huddle.

There is a slightly awkward silence before Castle clears his throat and Kate moves back towards her desk. "So, catch me up. Find anything new?" he asks Espo, but his gaze is fixed on Kate who is pulling back her desk chair, still close enough to be part of the conversation.

Ryan starts firing facts about their current case before Castle interrupts, "No, I meant the shooting." He turns towards Kate, "Did you go through the files?"

"Yes, you left some notes about the paper trail from the financial transactions. It's not clear where that ends up," she tells him but her eyes are still not meeting his.

"The bank where the account was at is shut down and all the account files have been moved to a warehouse," he shrugs, "but it's all gone, there was a fire. Just another dead end."

"What caused it?" she asks.

"The fire? It was an accident, something about the wiring."

"Espo, can you pull the fire investigator's report? I want to take a look."

"You got it," he says, walking towards his desk and picking up his phone.

"Could be more than just an accident," she explains.

"Really?" He tilts his head to the side, "You think they would go that far to cover up some documents?"

"Yes, besides we have to be thorough."

He nods.

* * *

They finally have a lead that they can chase, but Gates is watching them like a hawk and then she is yelling at them to chase after a suspect for their current case.

"Fine. Let's get this over with," she tells the boys as she heads to get her gun and badge from her desk. She glances over at Castle who is just standing next to her desk. "You coming along, Castle?" She is not sure what him 'coming back' really entails.

He nods as he walks with her to join the boys by the elevator.

The car ride is awkward in its familiarity; it just reminds him of the ease their relationship used to have, even with all the unsaid things between them back then.

She drums her thumbs against the wheel at the stop light, anxiousness getting the better of her. She pauses the drumming when she notices Castle looking at her hand against the wheel, but he doesn't say anything. She pulls up at the address the boys texted her. She turns off the engine and is about to step out of the car to get her gear from the trunk.

"Kate, wait."

She turns to him, but he is looking ahead.

"I- Is it a good idea to do this when you've just gotten back?"

She can see the boys' car pull up behind them in the rearview mirror and she doesn't have the time she needs to explain, so instead she says softly, "Castle, I have to, it's my job." She hopes that he understands that she isn't just dismissing his concern, but she has to face this sometime and now is as good as any.

He sighs because he knew she would say that. "Okay, okay. Can you just let them go ahead though?"

She looks at him for a moment; he's still not looking at her. "Okay."

This gets his attention and he turns to look at her, but she already has her door open and is halfway out of the car.

"Let's go, Castle," she says before she slams the door shut.

"You good?" asks Espo when they meet them by the side of the building.

"Yeah." She glances quickly at Castle, but he is looking ahead, not looking at her or Espo. "You guys taking lead?"

Ryan nods at her and then they're filing into the building. For a second it's all fine until she is chasing a suspect on her own and staring at the barrel of a gun.

* * *

When he walks into the observation room she doesn't even notice. She's lost in her thoughts, not really paying attention to the interrogation in front of her either. She keeps going over the way she just froze. What good is therapy if she isn't even able to make a simple arrest? She snaps out of it when he hands her a coffee.

"You okay?"

"Yes, Castle, I'm fine," she smiles tightly at him.

"Kate-" he starts.

"Castle," she interrupts because she knows exactly where this is going and she is already so tired. Her incision is pulling and she is just tired of thinking about this. Her eyes meet his and she grimaces at the hesitance in his eyes. She softens her tone and looks back down at the mug in her hand. "I'm working on it. I'm seeing someone about this. Okay? But this is the first time someone pointed a gun at me and it will just take a little time before I've got things under control," she says, trying to convince both herself and him.

He watches the boys interrogate their suspect for a moment, not really paying attention to any of it. He then turns to look at her, "You're seeing someone?"

"Yes." She meets his eyes. "It's what I've been doing this past month. I wasn't just-" she waves a hand, "I just had to do this first, Rick. I wanted to tell you before, but I didn't want it to seem like I was making excuses."

He blinks at her, doesn't know what to say, but she isn't really waiting for an answer because she's already walking towards the door.

"I'm going to pay the fire investigator a visit, you in?"

"Umm, yeah." He knows he will have to find a way to stir her away soon before it's too late.

He ends up having to literally drag her out of the fire station before this guy reports her, and for the life of him he can't figure her out. One second she seems like the old Beckett, in control, and then this happens.

"Kate, what are you doing?" He is panicking because she isn't even being discreet at all and he is supposed to have stopped her already.

"He is lying, Castle. They got to him, I just know it," she growls as she stabs at her phone.

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do. And I'll prove it," she says, and then she is talking to Espo on the phone, digging even deeper.

* * *

Thanks you all for reading big thanks to **adama-roslinlove** for your patience and time.

Maryfan1: Thank you very much for your review, I hope you liked this chapter

Trude: Loved your review, thank you! Would love to hear what you think about this chapter.

Guest Reviewer no. 1: huh right! I hope you like where the story is going, thank you for the review.

Norman01: Thank you for the review and I'm taking the story a little AU, hope you like this chapter and what's coming

BKeh: Thank you. Is this a grading system? :p

TORONTOSUN: I hope you liked this chapter. Thank you for your review, I always appreciate them.

Guest Reviewer no. 2: Thank you all the same.

Guest Reviewer no. 3: Thank you very much, hope you liked this chapter as well.

life's a mystery: thank you very much, I really appreciate your reviews ^_^

gostoppw: Thank you! Yes, it's been a fine line to walk with these two, I hope it's going well.

Muscovy: Thank you and welcome aboard. Yes she is definitely an interesting character, I hope you liked this chapter as well

Ilana: Thank you so much for that! I really hope you feel better soon! glad to be of help.

philliesfan1000: Definitely missed your reviews I'm so glad for the feed back, it really helps. Thanks for always reviewing and I hope you liked this chapter as well.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

* * *

They're alone in her apartment, poring over the files Espo delivered not long ago. Unfortunately, there is nothing there and he doesn't know if it's right to be relieved that this may be just another dead end. She is sitting across from him, highlighting something in one of the files and he doesn't even know what to think anymore. She is seeing someone and he knows it's a big step for her, to seek help, and it blurs the lines of love and resentment and worry he's been feeling. He can't help but think back to their argument in the cabin and while she at least listened to him, the anger still festers inside him.

She looks up from the file, sees him looking past her and says, "Castle, you okay?"

His eyes focus on her again, "Yeah, yeah. I just-"

He is so hesitant around her now, reluctant to even start a conversation with her, to get close in any way. So she pushes for both of them because she told him she would. "Castle?"

"You're seeing a therapist, right? Can I ask you about that?"

She considers him for a long moment and he starts to feel like he shouldn't have asked. "Yeah, I am." She drops the marker on the table, lifting a hand to push a lock of hair behind her ear before she settles them both in her lap. "What do you want to know?"

He is testing her, he knows it and she knows it. He wants to see if she will let him in and she wants to prove to both of them that she will, so she's letting him ask and there is enough resentment left in him to make him brave.

He shuffles some of the files before him. "What made you go to therapy? I mean it didn't seem like something you wanted when we…" he trails off, not having a need to finish it; they both know what he was going to say.

"I honestly thought I was getting better, all that time up at the cabin. At the beginning I was so on edge, all the time, but then it started to ease up and I thought I got it under control but I guess that was just the isolation. So when-" she pauses for a second and runs a hand through her hair, not knowing how to finish that sentence. "I just didn't expect it to be this bad. I didn't know how to handle it on my own, but I felt like I should have been able to." She wants to apologize again, but she doesn't want to make this about that. She knows it's not what he is asking now. "You and my dad, that's why. I know that given how I handled things it doesn't seem like it, but I needed to hear what you said."

He nods, but he would never understand it; the way she isolates herself, it's not how he's built, he craves human contact. He needs his daughter when things turn bad, his mother…her. He needs to affirm the good parts of his life, but he also knows that nothing he went through was like anything she is going through either. It makes it that much harder to move past it, when he can't even understand, but she is trying and he can see it like this when she is open with him.

"Did-" he shifts his gaze to her, wants to see her reaction, because he's been thinking about this too much, every detail. "Did I push you when I came up to the cabin?"

She is trying to find the right words and she is surprised that he asked this, a little impressed too. She traces the edge of the table with her fingers. "I don't know, Castle, maybe. I mean I did call you. I was happy when you came," she smiles at him. "Maybe I just wasn't ready. I just think it had to happen for me to realize what I needed and I'm sorry about that, that I put us through that."

He nods, "I'm sorry that I pushed. I just w-"

"No, Castle," she shakes her head at him.

He nods again. "Is the therapy working?" he asks timidly.

She smiles at that. "Umm, it's slow but yeah, it does. I can handle the small things better now, but sometimes like today it's still too much. It just will take time I guess."

He hums but she can see his eyes light up a little. "I'm really glad, Kate."

Her breath catches in her lungs at the way he is looking at her.

Then he is smirking back at her. "Otherwise you're going to have to start giving me a gun on those ride-alongs."

"In your dreams, Castle," she says, not missing a beat.

"Hey, I just want to have your back, Detective," he says indignantly, the corners of his eyes wrinkling with a smile that matches hers. His eyes hold hers and he can feel the shift between them, both excitement and caution running through him. He lowers his eyes to the file in front of him and clears his throat. "Hey, mind if I use your bathroom?"

"Uh, sure, it's right through the bedroom."

"Thanks." The scrape of the chair against the wooden floor just adds to the new wave of awkwardness that settles itself between them.

She calls after him, "I was going to order some food. Chinese okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

A couple of hours later and they still have exactly zero leads. He pushes one of the food containers off to the side and starts arranging them back in a file. He glances at her and notices that she is pacing the floor between her kitchen and living room. "Kate."

She stops her pacing and turns towards him, watching him collect the scattered papers into a file and knows what he is about to say.

"He just doesn't seem to be involved," he says and drops the file back to the table, turning slightly to face her.

"That fire couldn't have been just an accident."

He sighs, "Okay, true, timing is a little convenient. But this guy… I just don't see it."

"We'll just have to keep digging," she waves him off.

"Beckett, we went th-"

"I have nothing else, Castle," she says, her voice shaky, "I need to do something. My mom's killer. The sniper." She pulls her hands into fists at her sides to keep herself from touching her scar. "It feels like I'm just waiting for them to finish what they started."

He swallows. He knows he will have to tell her because he can't let her think that someone is hunting her. He moves to stand in front of her. "Beckett, I have to tell you something," he starts as he runs a hand through his hair, not meeting her eyes.

She doesn't say anything, just watches him warily.

"This morning I got a phone call from a man who said he was a friend of Montgomery's," he says softly, glancing at her only to see confusion filling her eyes. "He said that Montgomery contacted him before he died and gave him some files to use as leverage against whomever is behind this to keep them away from you. He made a deal to keep you safe."

Her eyes shift between his, searching, trying to understand what he is saying. "Castle, what are you talking about?"

"He is keeping you safe, Kate. That's why no one-" he stops, taking a deep breath through his nose. "For this to work, you have to stop investigating your mother's case and the shooting. I'm supposed to keep you away from it, Kate, but I don't know how to do that." He walks away from her and sits down on the sofa.

She just stands there in the space between the living room and the kitchen. She can't wrap her head around what he's saying. One minute they are chasing a lead, having an honest conversation and now this. She covers her face with her hands; all of this is too much to process and being blindsided like this making her angry. She moves to stand in front of him. "Who is this man? How do you even know he isn't involved, Rick?"

"Kate-"

"No, Rick, I get that you're angry but you should have told me before! What were we even doing looking into the fire inspector," she points towards the table they just spent hours at, "When you had a solid lead all day long?"

"You have to stop, Kate. This will only work if you stop," he pleads, desperation leaking into his voice.

"Castle." She turns away from him, her hands on her hips clutching the sides of her shirt.

"Kate, I saw them try to kill you right in front of me," he says quietly, and he doesn't even know why he says it.

There is silence between them for a long minute before she turns around and sits on the coffee table in front of him, knees almost touching. He watches her take a deep breath and sees how her eyes shine with tears.

"I can't let it go, Castle. I know you want me to, you asked me this once before. I almost lost you because of it and probably still lost some part. But, Castle, I'll never be able to let this go," she whispers into the space between them.

She is looking at that one spot on the window behind him. "She is my mom." There is a hitch to her breath and he knows she is trying not to cry. "And they killed her and I know that I made this into an obsession. Sometimes I don't even know who I am without this."

She reaches out and grasps his hand and squeezes, willing him to understand.

Her eyes meet his. "I made it into an obsession because every time I see a body, I remember hers against the wall in that alley where she got stabbed over and over again. Alone. All alone, Castle." The tears fall then. "And I can't even get her justice for what's been done to her, for her pain, for ours. Someone out there did this to her and I can't stop. I won't."

Kate. He grinds his teeth, wishing he could take it all way, but there is nothing to say to the depth of pain she must feel. Nothing can take it away and he is acutely aware of the limits of his words. How empty they will be. He wraps his hand around the wrist of her other hand, pulling her up with him as he stands. Ignoring all the anger and the hesitance, he just needs to hold her, needs to make her see that he will see her through. He is never leaving her in the dark, no matter what, no matter what they are.

They stay like that for a long time, her tears staining the side of his neck and then drying, one of his hands at the small of her back, the other cradling the back of her head. He finally pulls back and she quickly swipes a hand over her cheek, not meeting his eyes but she can still feel them on her.

"Kate, I know this weight you carry is crushing," he starts softly, "and as much as I want for you to leave this all behind, I can see that won't happen. But, Kate, it doesn't have to be this way either."

She finally looks at him.

"Let's take advantage of this. Let's wait them out. Right now they are just watching and we have to back off for now. I promise I'm not trying to make you stop anymore. I just want to do this carefully and with the right resources."

"I don't know how to do that, Castle."

"Yes, you do. You said you're working on things. Just focus on that, on bringing justice to the families of the victims, just like you always did." He wants to say, let me help, I'm with you on this, but there is still hesitance between them and he doesn't know anymore.

Tears fill her eyes all over again. She wants to let him in so badly, knows that if it's not him it's never going to be anyone else, but she wants him to know that he doesn't owe her anything, that this doesn't have to be his life. "You don't have to be involved in this. It's not your responsibility t-" She stops when she sees the disappointment fill his eyes, the way he slightly pulls back, and then she is clutching at his forearms, stepping closer into the circle of his body. "No. I want you here, but this is not what I want from you."

He's looking at her closely, assessing her words. "Well, you don't get to choose, I'm your partner."

She watches how his eyes turn a stormy blue and the corners of her lips lift in a smile. "Okay."

"Okay."

* * *

Thank you **adama-roslinlove** for all your work on this story, it makes all the difference.

 **TORONTOSUN** : Thank you so much for the review, I hope this shows that Kate does accept him.

 **Trude** : Haha, what makes you say that? :P thank you for the review, hope you liked this chapter.

 **life's a mystery** : Thank you, I always wanted her to tell him in the show!

 **Guest Reviewer no. 1** : thank you so much for the review.

 **Manxkid** : Thank you for the review, that relationship was one of the best things about the show.

 **philliesfan1000** : thank you for another beautiful review, I hope you liked this one too.

 **MRC83** : Thank you so much, that's very kind of you. I've always loved their complexity on the show, I think that's why there is such a big fanfic community for it. I hope you liked this chapter

 **josiebell391** : Thank you so much, I hope you liked this chapter as well


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: My apologies for the delay in posting this chapter, I've been having a hard time with fining the time to finish the story. Thank you all for your patience.

* * *

 _Let me in the walls you've built around,_

 _We can light a match and burn them down,_

 _Let me hold your hand and dance 'round and 'round the flames,_

 _In front of us, dust to dust._

 _~ The Civil Wars, Dust to Dust_

* * *

 **Chapter Twelve**

They're in limbo. Some new territory familiar in its vagueness and all the things still left unsaid. It's been three days since he hugged her to him in the quiet of her apartment, that moment where it felt like finally things fell in place, and clarity settled over them despite the heaviness of it all, but then morning came. They got sucked into solving a case and then thrown into another one, and it got murky with doubt and insecurities.

At least he is no longer mad at her, not intentionally mad at least, and she knows better than anyone that it will take time for things to scab. He comes to the precinct though, helping them with the case, and she stops investigating her case and her mom's for now.

But there is a darkness around them that lingers and keeps them fractured. She just wants to drag him somewhere quiet and tell him. She feels it pressing against her ribs, wanting out. She doesn't even know what or how, or if it's even something he wants to hear anymore. She just…wants.

She looks up from the report in her hand, the one she's been trying to read for an hour now. She glances at him sitting by her side, he's keeping himself away from her. She sees it in the way he sometimes stares or smiles before he finally catches himself and installs that stoic mask against her. She can't blame him for any of it, knows she's the one that destroyed the trust, but it still knots up her stomach.

She's too aware of him. She stares now too apparently, not even subtle about it, and she hates that he has practice at hiding it and she doesn't, just staring like a love sick school girl. The boys caught her twice already and her reputation is seriously at risk. Which reminds her that she needs to stop staring right now or Espo is really going to start teasing her out loud instead of the knowing looks he's been giving her. And she doesn't need that, thank you very much.

She sighs and then startles when Castle suddenly lifts an inquisitive eyebrow at her.

"Dry read?" he asks, nodding at the report in front of her.

She purses her lips to keep the smile at bay. "Yeah, unfortunately, not all of our officers have your flourish for words, Castle."

He grins at her, "I'd be happy to give a workshop."

She can't help but smile at the twinkle in his eyes, feeling it fluttering around her heart. But just as quickly it dims as he leans back in his chair, putting physical distance between them, and goes back to his phone.

She closes her eyes for a second before turning back to the report at hand. She really does need to read the damn thing anyway.

* * *

It gets worse from there. He's around less. The hours stretch on without him when they're waiting for the paperwork to go through or waiting to hear back on warrants. He no longer hovers even though she wants him to hover, wants him to subdue this bottomless need for him with annoying rants.

"Hey Becke-" his greeting is cut off by the hiss of the coffee machine. "Whoa, what's happening?"

"Hey Castle!" she hisses back at the machine, and a little at him too. This is entirely his fault, leaving her to deal with this monstrosity for a simple cup of coffee that won't end up being as good as his anyway.

"Umm-everything okay?"

The ringing of the spoon she throws on the counter is answer enough but she still assures, "Just fine."

His eyes flicker to the milk jug still in her other hand and for a second he thinks she might throw that too. "Here let me," he says, stepping around her and taking the jug from her hand, his fingers brushing hers.

Damn him.

"Passed Espo, said he had something?" he says absentmindedly as he manipulates the machine in front of him.

"Yeah," she says distractedly, watching his hands as they work. "He was going through the financials of our suspect, warrant went through."

He hums, "He asked me to get you."

"Okay," she nods, "how was your meeting?"

He gives her a questioning look.

She shrugs, twists her lip a little, feeling a little embarrassed. "You were telling the boys yesterday that you had one?"

He assesses her for a quick moment before turning back to the machine. "Uh yeah, it wasn't the best," he sighs, "I kind of missed a few deadlines and this meeting was basically a reminder that Black Pawn owns my ass."

She smiles at that and crosses her arms over her chest as the machine hisses smoothly between them, frothing the milk. Bastard. "Is that – Is it normal?" She was wondering what would happen to Nikki now that they're like this. Does anything even happen? She knows she isn't Nikki, but…

"Not really, it happened a couple of times before when I was stuck on Storm. It's just Gina making a point."

She doesn't say anything.

He turns to find her staring at him, not sure what the look she is giving him means. "I just need to sit down and write a few chapters and she will call off her war dogs."

She turns her back to the counter. "You haven't been writing Nikki?" she asks softly.

He hands her the cup with a hesitant smile. "Not really, just some half formed ideas," he sighs dramatically and tries to play it off, "Genius takes time, Beckett." He smiles smugly, but she's not having any of it.

She turns back to him and takes the cup from him, looking down at the foamy bliss. Then she looks up to his eyes again, "Is- Is it because of me?" She hates how both arrogant and insecure she sounds right now.

He stiffens a little. "It's because of a lot of things, Kate," he says with finality.

She knows what he's saying. She needs to fix this, find them a way out.

"Okay, so you got your fix, now let's go see what Espo has for us." He smiles at her, but it's not the one that reaches his eyes.

"Rick, wait," she says when he starts moving towards the door.

He turns back to her.

"I want us to talk," her heart is thudding but she keeps her eyes on him, "We need to talk," she corrects

"Kate, I thin-"

She takes a step closer, can't take another rejection from him so she stammers on before all her courage flees her. "I- I feel like I – like we need to be clear. I want to be clear. I don't want things to be like before with so much left unsaid."

His eyes light up a little and she thinks that finally he gets what she's saying. "Okay, let's talk." Honestly, he is kind of surprised, after that night in her apartment he thought that she got what she wanted. He was here, being her friend, her partner, he stayed.

She glances through the window at the bustling of the bullpen, and then back to him with determination, "Can you come over tonight? We can have dinner and talk?"

He blinks at her for a second; it's not what he was expecting. "Umm yeah, yeah sure," he replies hastily.

She gives him a shy smile at that and then nods towards the door, "Let's go solve this thing?"

He nods at her, still a little stunned, "Yeah."

* * *

She barely has time to change before he's knocking on her door. They parted ways sometime in the afternoon at the first mention of paperwork. She asked him to meet her at her place at eight, but she was late leaving the precinct. The captain had some absurd questions about protocols for their case, like this was their first damn case! Like they were a bunch of rookies, so she is late.

She sprints to the door as she pulls down her shirt and swings open the door with a breathless, "Hi Castle."

"H-hey," he looks her over, "Am I early?"

She looks down and finds her sweater a bit twisted. She flushes with embarrassment as she twists it in place. "No no you're fine, got a little held up at the precinct," she gestures him inside, "Gates."

He makes a face and she chuckles.

"So, I ordered a pizza. Hope that's okay?"

"Yeah, sounds good." He shrugs off his jacket and drapes it over the couch, turning around to find her watching him. She's been doing that a lot lately and he's not sure what to make of it.

They just stand there, looking at each other.

Would it be wrong for her to just jump him right now?

He lifts an eyebrow at her and she knows she must be blushing. Shit.

She shifts her eyes to the couch and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "Umm, so how are Martha and Alexis?"

"Good. Mother is busy and Alexis is…" he trails off, he's still not sure what to do about Alexis.

"Castle?"

He sighs and slumps down on her couch dramatically. She can't help but smile at his antics.

"She wants to go to Stanford. This spring!" he says grimacing.

"Ah," she says, realizing what the drama is all about. "And you don't want her to go all the way to Stanford, or you don't want her to go in the spring?"

"Both. All of it. I'm not sure she even knows what she wants. She's just doing it for Ashley. This Ashley business is just n-"

"I thought you liked Ashley?" she interrupts.

"I do. I did." He looks down and mumbles, "Not right now."

"Castle, she'll be leaving for college soon, whether it's in the spring or next fall. And Stanford is a great school. Is it really such a bad thing?"

"Yeah, but what's wrong with Columbia? Or Brown? These are great schools too. And next fall, I definitely vote for fall."

She smiles at him and nods, knowing he will always hate his little girl leaving. She loves this side of him. "I'm sorry, Castle, but I think it will have to suck for a while no matter what."

He lifts his eyes to her, a sarcastic comment on the tip of his tongue, but the tenderness in her eyes stops him. It reminds him of where they are and what they aren't. He clears his throat and shifts his gaze, "Yeah."

She feels a fist clenching inside her. He's keeping her out and it both frustrates and makes her determined. She feels her heart thud in her chest as she starts, "Castle."

He turns his body towards her when she sits on the opposite side of the couch, feeling the change in her just from the way she says his name.

"About before, in the break room." She hopes her voice is as steady as she thinks it is.

He nods, even though he isn't sure it was a question. "Yeah, you said you wanted us to talk?"

"Yes. I just wanted to-" she sighs because honestly she has no clue if there is a right way to say this, and if there is, she's definitely not doing it. "Okay, so last time in my apartment it felt like maybe we were both on the same page, but this week we've been… I don't know what we've been and I want to."

He is staring at her, holding his breath because he really can't get his hopes up again. He doesn't know if it's possible to survive another blow from her. "You want to?"

"I want you to know where I stand and I want to know where you stand," she says, finally figuring out a way to say something she actually means.

He stares at her.

She is about to unleash another rant when a knock on the door has them both shifting their gaze to the door.

She stands, growling at the interruption, and heads for her bag on the kitchen counter where she left it, violently poking around for her wallet.

"Kate, I-" he stands, pulling out his wallet.

"No, I got it, Castle," she clips on her way to open the door.

If it weren't for the conversation that got interrupted, he would think it funny how bothered she is about the interruption.

She drops the pizza box on her dining table and comes to stand before him. Taking a deep breath, she says, "I want us to be more."

Yeah, his hope is definitely all over the place now.

When he doesn't say anything and just stares at her, she takes a step forward. And because the blood in her ears is just way too loud in the silence she continues, "I'm working on things right now. And it's going to take some time but I don't want you to think that I don't… feel the same."

He stands and walks the couple of steps until he is right in front of her, "Beckett?"

She lowers her eyes and folds her arms over her chest, warding off the vulnerability. "If you still feel…" she trails off. If you still love me.

"I do," he says, and he can't bring himself to regret the excitement that bleeds into his voice because it makes her eyes light up, both hazel and green shining at him.

"I'll need some time to get to where I want to be," she trails off again. She then meets his eyes with a confidence that contradicts the words that come next, "Is – is that okay?"

And he can finally see it; can finally understand what it costs her to ask him to wait.

He sighs because he wants to touch her and she's so very close, but he won't push. "Kate, I never had a problem with waiting. I've been waiting and I'll wait for you. I just wanted to know what I'm waiting for."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

She smiles, "I should be clear." She steps into the circle of his arms, and he can only tell that she is nervous by the way her fingers tremble against his skin before she curls them around the back of his neck. Her eyes lift to his eyes swiftly before they close, her lips against his.

He stills for a second before clutching at her hips, bringing her closer, and her other hand lands on his shoulder bringing him closer when his teeth graze her lower lip demandingly.

She pulls away slowly, lingering, her breath coming in pants against his cheek. "I want you."

* * *

Thank you all for reading and thank you **adama-roslinlove** for all your support and patience!

 **MaryFan1: Thank you for the review, I really appreciate it. I hope you liked how things are going for them in this chapter as well.**

 **TORONTOSUN: Thank you so much for your constant support.**

 **Trude: Thank you! I hope you liked this one as well.**

 **life's a mystery: Thanks! Hope you liked this talk as well ;)**

 **MRC83: Thank you for reviewing! I hope you liked the developments in this chapter.**

 **theputz913: Thank you. I hope you liked this chapter**

 **GT500RonSmith: First thing: welcome aboard. Second: Thank you so much for reviewing each chapter, that was really amazing to read. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.**


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